I will admit, yesterday was not a good day. I was angry, depressed, and felt so let down by Russ and the past 12 years. I'm kind of over it, mostly because I knew, but did not want to admit that it was never going to work out with us. I have this ablity to just be so damn optimistic about everything. That attitude has gotten me thru so much, but to see it fail on what I call now the "Russ Project", makes me so sad.

So I take a deep breath, and try to think of all the wonderful things in my life, my family, my friends, music, movies and the love that does surround me at home and on the internet. It could of been worst, Russ and I could of never found each other again, and I would still be living with the "what if" factor. So for closure I am greatful.

I am just so dramatic sometimes it kills me, makes me laugh at myself.

My mom said this would be a good time to re-group and figure out what I want from a relationship. Right now in my mellow-yellow mood I can only think of the feeling I get when I listen to HIM - Join Me. Right now, this moment, I am hoping and dreaming of a love that just transends this world, and goes beyond. When Ville belts out "Won't you die tonight for love....?" This is what I want. Someone to just come into my life and to just connect with me on some odd, scary, non-human level.  I want my soul to jump out of my body and drag me to my love.... where ever he may be. I am so emo today. But I can't help it! 12 years of maybes has taken its toll on me. All of my friends are all coupled off and it hurts to not be able to share what they feel for each other, I am starting to get the "look" from friends and parents. The look of "what is wrong with her", "why can't she settle down".  My gran said that you find the best mate when your not looking, but I can't help but look. It just consumes me sometimes.  I hate the feeling of climbing into my bed alone. longing for human touch..... ok, I am really starting to annoy myself. (LOL)

but anyway! Time to bust out the HARDCORE MUSIC...Life goes on right?

Song: Crumpled - Sevendust

Movie: Batman Begins