What I did not know was that everything counts. Yeah it does. What you do, how you act is what molds your world around  you. that was something that I really did not get. I thought that a cute smile, tears and some of the worlds best acting could fix it all. I could never do anything wrong. I tried really hard with this concept of owning up to what you do. Actions speak volumes of your person. So in a nut shell. I FUCKED UP big time.

I learned that life is not about your job, your car, money... it is about the person pressing keys and what the words typed actually mean. It means that I have to own up, admit that I was terribly worng. I wonder sometimes if I ever really learned anything in Kindergarten?

I went 30 years of just coasting by, not ever really looking at what I was doing and how what I did would effect me and the people close to me, people that depended on me. And, man, when that time comes, the time when you can not run and hide, the time when you have to really see what you did, oh man, when that times comes.. God bless you.  That time came for me and WOW, I had pissed away a brillant life, a brillant career, a brillant exisitance. I pissed it all away. It came with such a heavy price, my life. but you know what, I would not have it any other way, I would not have changed a second...

Now, living still in the the aftermath of pain, I know. I have a clear picture. What I did to myself was horrible, sad, miserable. And I have learned. Have I ever learned. I can no longer relate to my friends, everything in my past has made a sad now, so I can have a pleasant future. A future that I am working to build. I literally have nothing but the clothes on my back. I have no money, no job and the world is mine. I Jossyl, have to depend on other people to exist, to keep in touch with my family. I am finally here. This is my moment. My time to just get it right. Because the end point is what matters the most. I have 1 person in this world that is waiting for me and I can not wait to hold her in my arms and tell her that I fought tooth and nail for this. I take nothing for granted, not a single breath of air because I should not even have air in my lungs. I should be 12 feet under. cold and gone. That was my future.

I sit here typing, hoping that someone can get something from this. The joke is on you. Let me tell you. you can run around being Mr and Mrs Ikea and Pottery barn, but as you fill you dwellings with commercial things to impress everyone ,even yourself. can you look in the mirror and say that you really and truly know yourself. the gift that was given to me is beyond priceless. I can look and see that yeah I could of went on living this lie and that lie would have eaten me alive and I would of passed the evil on to another generation and destroyed so much in the process. I would of had a that cookie cutter life and I would have been the living dead.

I have nothing, yet I have everything. Only God could do that, and yes I said it God. People are free to live and to be and this is me, this is what I have, this is what happened to me.

So yeah, I have the world in front of me and what I do from this point, is what I do. It is all on me, may I live and learn and continue to go on and just do what I have to do and have an amazing quality of life in the process.

Song: AK 2000 - Drowning, Kooks- Naive          Movie: WANTED

Thanks for reading. Jossyl