The last few days... in fact, the whole last week... has been somewhat difficult for me. I've been coming face to face with some obvious character flaws of my own, and it hasn't been too pretty. Mind you, everyone should-- at some time-- take stock in who they are and their relations with others and have a time if inner reflection on this point, in case any fine tuning needs to take place. Personally, I tend to overanalyze everything... over think things.... and this has decidedly been my demise. However, through such introspection, I've come to realize...

This really is a new season of my life. God has been revealing so many different things to be about myself and other people since the end of spring break, and I am so thankful for all of it. It has been a struggle to not become angry at all the change and progress, but once you can see through it all that God's purpose is to uplift you and make you better, it's refreshing and -- dare I say -- almost comforting.

I don't have much time left here at Simpson... at least for this year. I haven't decided what I am doing next year, whether it will be to come back to Simpson, go to school somewhere else, or pursue other avenues towards my goals; but one thing I know is that God is faithful. Hopefully, I will make the right decision. I've also come to understand, that the right decision isn't always the logical one, but it's right none the less -- we have to let God overcome our desperate need for logic and just confide in Him that whatever happens, we know that ultimately we will end up exactly where we should be.

I think one of the hardest things for me to overcome is my neurotic need to perfect everything. I've always wanted to say and do the right thing, go the right way, become the best at what I do -- best singer, best Christian, best servant, best friend, best girlfriend, best student, best of... whatever I do, I want to be the best. Because this is pretty impossible in terms of reality, it sets me up for a lot of personal disappointment and defeat. I also construct this timeline of how fast my life should progress towards my goals... does anyone else do that? Yeah, its not only wildly unrealistic, but frustrating and untrusting of God.

Its hard to give up the timeline when it's linked to everything that you want out of life. Its also hearbreaking when you look, and you see no hope for getting anything that you truly want -- nor do you get any confirmation from anywhere that you truly will.... I know about the Biblical support about God caring about the desires of our heart, but He cares about His kingdom first, and His purposes... what if the things that I want -- good things, righteous things -- just aren't part of that plan? Its possible, and it's happened to people before... its death in Christ. It's paralyzingly frightening and disheartening.

This new day has put me in a new perspective... I'm just not gonna care about other people's opinions anymore, and live life how God intended. Even more so, I have to realize, that those that aren't in step with God aren't an authority of what makes me valuable; in any regard. That's a strong statement, and it isn't meant to offend anyone, but I've got to stop investing myself in a world that will pass away, and start grounding myself in something and someone real.

Sometimes I wish the 'learning experience' would stop... and that I could just relax. But then, I'm reminded, that whenever I stop moving forward, I tend to slide backwards... it's an uphill battle, but that's just the way it goes.