So... I have an idea of what I want to say, but no idea how I want to say it.
It's been a crazy year... and this semester has already overwelmed me. I don't say this to complain, I say this as an encouragement to myself. Sometimes, we need to be reminded how limited we really are -- and this has definitely been the theme of my spiritual season. My own humanity has been constantly butting heads with everything I used to believe about myself. Does anyone else ever feel like that? Maybe I'm totally in left field, but I have a strong belief that this is because God wants to rebuild me, and thats why I'm struggling as I am -- this is the only hope I've got at this point -- but I could be wrong.
There are few things I have learned.
1) The uncontrollable nature of grace is frightening. You mean, I can't determine how and when and for what reason I can attain grace? My efforts are fruitless? Faith without works is dead, isn't it -- so how can grace be so unmerited? I've been wasting all my time chasing after the chaff in the wind? Yes, that's what I've learned... and as much as we all say we know that -- does your heart know it? Does your heart recognize God's grace when you fall as an automatic and imminent gift, or do you allow or require of yourself some repentant guilt first? No guilt required... grace is sufficient.
2) I don't care how strong you are -- you're weak. Yeah, there are some pretty heavyweight Christians out there. None of you are fooling anyone... I've been there, done that... give it up. Why do I have the audacity to say this? Because I'm being honest with myself, that's why. If you see yourself as a strong Christian, you are not being challenged, and therefore are not strong, but complacent and comfortable. A really honest Christian will realize that any strength that's conjured up in them is from that well of strength in Christ, only accessible when you are aware of your own weakness. In fact, the weaker we are, the more strength God affords us. If you come against a battle and find that it was easier than you expected -- take a second look to see if you've been victorious, or if you're decieving yourself.
3) There are very few people who care about what you say as nearly as much as you do. There a few exceptions to this rule, but your first assumption in speaking, especially public speaking, is that whatever you say, you should make it short and sweet-- because not too many people really want to hear it in the first place. For instance... maybe some of you have already began to skim this blog; there are even some that quit after they saw how long it was... or that it wasn't light and funny. One of my new goals is to listen and remain attentive to others as much as I would want for myself. It's harder than you think.
4) There are some things insatiable in life; learning, growth, appetite, and love. Yes that's general -- leaves it open for you to fill in where and how for yourself...
5) I don't mind people taking pictures of me nearly as much as I used to. Hooray for Annetta.
I haven't much else to say, other than I'm tired of where I am, and I want to be done struggling... I know it's not going to happen that neatly, but I'm definitely ready for when it does happen. Thats it!
KT | 
