Its been maybe the craziest week I've ever had. Between midterms, new ministry, and Genesis Weekend here at Simpson, there hasn't been much time to do anything.. include sleep. However, this is the kind of thing I live for... I'm just a happier person when I have a lot to do!

Let me give you an update -- starting Wednesday:

Wednesday was the biggest day of my week last week. I had 2 midterms, a paper due, and it was my first day helping out with the Risen King middle schoolers. I managed to get through both midterms, not feeling too confident about World Civ, and whizzed through the rest of my classes. Then I ate a quick and early dinner, ran to my dorm, changed (i dont know why-- its an impulse...) and ran to meet Arwyn... who then told me I'm not riding with her, but someone else. So, I go find him, we jet, and I go to Risen King.

I tried not to anticipate what it would be like too much, just to keep my mind open... but when I got there, it was so much more than I could have imagined. The kids were incredible, the staff really love the kids, and I had the best time.. and the longest and most brutal pillow fight of my life. We drove home late, talking to one of the kids about life, and I got home with the feeling like I finally found my church... finally.

I won't go into the rest of my week, because I dont want this blog to go forever... but I will say that I sang at the karaoke night, and it is confirmed... I still have the worst stage fright. You think with enough performing that goes away, but it doesnt... I was shaking afterwards. Oh well... its over now. :)

Next week will go nicely... school only 4 days, then a retreat over the weekend... should be good!!

Till next time...

KT

The last few days... in fact, the whole last week... has been somewhat difficult for me. I've been coming face to face with some obvious character flaws of my own, and it hasn't been too pretty. Mind you, everyone should-- at some time-- take stock in who they are and their relations with others and have a time if inner reflection on this point, in case any fine tuning needs to take place. Personally, I tend to overanalyze everything... over think things.... and this has decidedly been my demise. However, through such introspection, I've come to realize...

This really is a new season of my life. God has been revealing so many different things to be about myself and other people since the end of spring break, and I am so thankful for all of it. It has been a struggle to not become angry at all the change and progress, but once you can see through it all that God's purpose is to uplift you and make you better, it's refreshing and -- dare I say -- almost comforting.

I don't have much time left here at Simpson... at least for this year. I haven't decided what I am doing next year, whether it will be to come back to Simpson, go to school somewhere else, or pursue other avenues towards my goals; but one thing I know is that God is faithful. Hopefully, I will make the right decision. I've also come to understand, that the right decision isn't always the logical one, but it's right none the less -- we have to let God overcome our desperate need for logic and just confide in Him that whatever happens, we know that ultimately we will end up exactly where we should be.

I think one of the hardest things for me to overcome is my neurotic need to perfect everything. I've always wanted to say and do the right thing, go the right way, become the best at what I do -- best singer, best Christian, best servant, best friend, best girlfriend, best student, best of... whatever I do, I want to be the best. Because this is pretty impossible in terms of reality, it sets me up for a lot of personal disappointment and defeat. I also construct this timeline of how fast my life should progress towards my goals... does anyone else do that? Yeah, its not only wildly unrealistic, but frustrating and untrusting of God.

Its hard to give up the timeline when it's linked to everything that you want out of life. Its also hearbreaking when you look, and you see no hope for getting anything that you truly want -- nor do you get any confirmation from anywhere that you truly will.... I know about the Biblical support about God caring about the desires of our heart, but He cares about His kingdom first, and His purposes... what if the things that I want -- good things, righteous things -- just aren't part of that plan? Its possible, and it's happened to people before... its death in Christ. It's paralyzingly frightening and disheartening.

This new day has put me in a new perspective... I'm just not gonna care about other people's opinions anymore, and live life how God intended. Even more so, I have to realize, that those that aren't in step with God aren't an authority of what makes me valuable; in any regard. That's a strong statement, and it isn't meant to offend anyone, but I've got to stop investing myself in a world that will pass away, and start grounding myself in something and someone real.

Sometimes I wish the 'learning experience' would stop... and that I could just relax. But then, I'm reminded, that whenever I stop moving forward, I tend to slide backwards... it's an uphill battle, but that's just the way it goes.

So that last blog was a little lame,  I know.. I was just a little lazy. I'm still feeling lazy though, but I need to get back into the swing of things. I guess Spring Break really did throw me off a little bit.

Ahh break... what an apt word for it. There have been a lot of things on my mind since break, and I need an outlet for all my thoughts...

On spring break, I went to church almost every day the entire time I was there. Now, most people, when they here the phrase 'go to church' don't think of it as the event that I do -- which is, an opportunity for a life-changing experience. Especially since I've come to Simpson, I've learned to enjoy the practice of fellowship and communion at church, and even more so when I'm at my family church back home in Seattle. I think it's fair to say, that most people get out of church what they expect to -- if you expect nothing, you get nothing.

Moving on...

I went to Seattle with the mindset that I needed God to move in absolutely miraculous ways in many areas of my life. Its fairly easy to see I've been just a little bit of a wreck lately, and I'm not one that likes to stay that way -- so I asked God for a lot of things, because I am so obviously incapable of so much. What I got, was anger -- a lot of it. It was probably around Wednesday I started getting angry, but by Friday night, when I spent the night at my favorite pastor's house, my anger came to a peak -- and I broke down. However, it needed to happen, at that place and at that moment, because it made everything that had happened every day that week at church come to a rushing head, and finally I got some answers.

The one thing about God, is that when you ask Him for the answer to a question, He really doesn't answer it very well -- but He has the perfect reply. What I mean by that, is that He knows us, and whats inside of us, and what we really need more than we do -- and while we're asking for our next meal, He's making preparations for our bountiful inheritance that is beyond our imagination. If you're asking God for one thing, and He keeps showing you another, why don't you just look into it, and see why He's giving you what He is -- you may just recieve the key to your freedom.

The one thing I can say, is that God is giving me back the priviledge to dream again. For a long time, I had given up some dreams of mine, because of fear and the will to be obedient and 'right.' let me just say -- if you give up hoping for those desires and dreams God puts inside of you, to please noble and righteous things Godly men put upon you, you're still being rebellious, no matter how much you try to be obedient. God's ways are always higher than man's -- no matter how Godly the man is. You know who's opinion matters first? God.

There are things that happened over spring break that will effect the rest of my life... dramatically. Plans I had made, everything I had arranged -- blown up. I've given up trying to anticipate an unpredictable God.

In other news... I must observe Lent and keep a Lentin Journal from now until Easter, as part of Spiritual Formation. I'll update ya on what my spiritual practice will be... and for all of you who think Lent is just about fasting, or just for Catholics, you are so out of the loop on that one.

Okay, I'm done blogging for now. Until next time...

KT

So here I am blogging again, after about a 2 week hiatus... and really I dont know what to say. So much has happened, so much has changed, that I really don't know where to be begin!

One question to those who know me -- should I audition for American Idol?

Well, this is the shortest blog I have, because really, Im not feelin' it, and I'll probably get back here and right more when I'm in the mood...

KT

So, its been awhile since the last blog -- which was the overexcitedness of my roommate's balloon-moving powers. Yeah, that was popular on campus for a good 2 days -- gotta love the short attention span on twentysomethings.

There's little I have to share -- partly because its all internal, and partly because  I don't think there's a large swell of people who want to know all those internal struggles. So for this, I'll cleverly divert your attention to...

The trees on campus. Don't worry, I'm going somewhere with this. I just stepped outside to take a phone call, and as I did, I was struck by the amazing beauty of the Simpson campus. If there's one thing I can say, my tuition is being put to good use at least in the area of landscaping. All around, there are these wonderful blooming trees with soft and brilliant blossoms already peaking out, and every afternoon the skyline just above Mt. Shasta mimicks these beautiful shades of pink, purple and red so the blooms fade into the distance in an orchestrated mess of color and wonder.

Maybe everything is more in the red color scheme in my mind's eye anyways, because today is Valentine's Day. Ya know, not to put a downer on things, but red is not my favorite color. If I could choose, I would take the colors of St. Patrick's Day, and give them all the connotations assigned to Valentine's day, so it would be culturally defined as romantic to wear my favorite color [green], which is also the color that looks the best with my skin tone. Red makes me look red -- not flattering.

Lindsey: Today the cafe was playing Jamie Cullum's new CD. Even though it's their CD, I was the only one here who knew who he was. Sad for them, happy for me.

Moving on... I'd like to say that with all the understandable discord in my heart over my recent malady so closely preceding Valentine's Day, I'm making a concious decision to be happy for the people who can enjoy this holiday in all of it's romantic undertones. However, after reading a friend's blog earlier, I would like to point out, that this holiday has about as much relation to the authentic idea of love as it does the color green. People whom truly love each other don't wait for Valentine's Day for such professions of affection, nor do they need grand gestures of romance to convey their true feelings. Even when I did have a Valentine in the past, I always saw the holiday as something that at best is a shallow-yet-accurate representation of America's fickle flirt with romanticism rather than embracing the widths and depths of God's true and abiding love for everything it has to offer.

What's more, is that all the things that are associated with Valentine's Day don't mean the things to me, that our culture would like to think they should mean to every woman. Roses, chocolate, dinner, dancing, jewelry and love poems are all things that I can get or do for myself; and so can anyone else. These don't represent love to me.

You know the people that I really feel happy for? Those that give and recieve love and affection to each other appropriately throughout the entirety of their relationship... those I don't feel happy for, are those that build up to Valentine's Day as the one apex of romance every year -- to live in a desert for one day of rain seems awfully hopeless to me. Whenever I get into a relationship, I don't expect Valentine's Day to be anything special -- because he should already know my love and affection for him before that day, and after, as will I know of his.

That's the obligatory love rant for Valentine's Day -- no more, for the sake of my audience.

I will end with this -- I have never needed something more, than how much I need to be home right now. I hope this doesn't sound callous, but its not my house, or even so much my family, as it is the comfort of familiarity and security. Its the togetherness of community I had built around me; that rest I find in the presence of others who let me rest with them, and know me almost as much as I know myself. The end of this week will fair much better than it has begun, I'm sure, when I can take that freedom flight home, and just breathe again. Hopefully it'll still be snowing -- a Seattle girl can only take so many consecutive days of sun, especially in February.

KT

okay... I only named my blog this, because when I clicked in the 'title box', this phrase popped up, and I thought it was so delightfully random and funny that I would work with it. However, if you were looking for a short antic about courageously brave footwear, this is not the blog for you.

I haven't blogged in awhile because I haven't been able to, for many reasons. Time is always an enemy, but more so in the last week than ever before. I managed to stay up 30 hours straight one night/day (Sunday 3pm to Monday 9pm), slept 13 hours that next night, then was plagued with only 1 1/2 hrs of sleep last night (you never realize how precious rest is until its stolen from you).

Another reason I haven't been able to blog, is that I have been paralyzed by events that have quickly and painfully transpired all too suddenly in the last 4 days. I don’t give all credit to this week alone-- in all honestly, this is just bursting forth from a culmination of bad decisions, built on top of each other, until devastation can't help but ensue. In layman’s terms, what’s happening now is all my fault, I screwed up, and if I wasn't so caught up in myself I would have seen it coming.

I think this theme is obvious in my previous blogs --I obviously knew of my faults. However, God decided that I was [and am] finally ready to get over it, and so He induced that labor... or more aptly, purge. It happened through way of my Lord Jesus God friend first, and quickly moved up my spiritual life's hierarchy to a Pastor who has meant an innumerable measure in my life.

Let me pause to explain the worth of a personal spiritual mentor. Indispensable, irreplaceable, essentially indescribable, and unforgettable. From here on she will be referred to as P. L , for the sake of my lazy typing habits, but this does not detract from the respect and love and admiration I have for her. This woman was the first to care for me, first to ask after me, first to pray for me, she was the one God chose to reveal to me my calling through [although she didn’t not know it, and may still not know], and her and her husband were the first ones who confirmed it. She has believed in me, rebuked me, pruned me, prayed for me, forgiven me, heard me, been my friend, and been my mom -- even though there is a scant 7 [natural] years difference between us. If you don't have someone like P. L in your life, I implore you to begin to pray for God to reveal such a support for you.

At any rate, when I felt the impending doom that is the consequence of my sin, she was the only one I could think to call. Before I said anything, she told me God had put me on her heart to call the day before, and He had laid a dream about me in her mind weeks before. You may think that's coincidence -- but if you do, I would think you are blind to the intricate orchestration God has in every human life; you questioning whether He sees and foresees us. He does -- end of discussion.

So... now.... Im just moving with someone now helping me, where I had been planning on struggling on my own. Going anywhere on your own is dangerous territory. This reminds me of the phrase/book title No Man is An Island by Thomas Merton. Check it out, if this is something you've ever struggled with, or independence is a strong hold in your life like it has been for me. Despite what our culture values in independence, we were not created for that environment; we were created in God's image, and God is communal -- He Himself is a community of sorts, within the Trinity -- His whole oneness is founded in that community. How can you deny the divine nature that you were created to be a mirror of? It will kill you.

I'm going to go relax, pay my roommate back the 60 cents she doesn't know I owe her [love you Tonya] and go to dinner. Hope all of you have a good night.

KT

She is a beautiful, fun, spunky little friend, and I got to know her best when we were interns at a church we attended together called ANCC [way back in the day... holla back SIC...lol]. To all of you who aren't from Seattle, you are totally confused by that last sentence... and thats okay.

Every morning before internship really started, we would open our day with at least 1/2 an hour of prayer. All 7 of us interns would stand in our circle, and pray out loud popcorn style. You didn't have to pray, but we all usually did. I think it's safe to say that it was in this time that many of us learned a lot about prayer.

I used to kind of tease this friend of mine, because during these prayer circles, when she would get really passionate, she would repeat one particular phrase in her prayer often. She would pray as such: '...thank you Lord Jesus God for the day that you've given us Lord Jesus God and I pray that you would move in a mighty way today in Lord Jesus God...' and so on and so on. This phrase so easily slipped off her lips, and with such rhythm, that it was hard for me [someone with a flare for the obnoxious and cursed with the absence of tact] not to mimic her if we were just joking around. She didn't mind, and found ways to repay me for my antics...

Well today, as I was doing my homework, this phrase caught me again. The reason being, is that the phrase Lord Jesus God is a larger statement then I think many Christians realize. It is truly an affirmation of the foundations of what it is we believe... because the divinity and lordship of Christ is a critically vital part of our belief. In looking at the interaction of Christianity with the world, particularly other religions in history, this idea, and those close to it, are the beginning of the great divide. Even within Christianity, this has caused a parting of ways in doctrine, so as to create completely new 'sects' [for lack of a better term]. Possibly the 3 largest religions in the world (Christianity, Judaism, and Islam) are irreconcilably separated because of this. I don't intend to upset my friends of different faiths by busting out an endless spout of theology and doctrine... thats not 'how I roll', nor do I think it's within my capability to undertake what has been an international debate for thousands of years. Rather, I want to make sure we all understand what it is that we pray and say about Jesus -- because it is out of the mouth that comes the overflow of the heart.

To my Lord Jesus God friend whom I know reads this blog... good job. I won't make fun of you anymore... at least, not about that.

KT

So today has been one of those days. I don't know.. I woke up on time, spent way too much time on my hair [its straight again as of last night... which requires more maintenance], and got to class. but as the day dragged on, class after class [I have 5 on MWF], I began to become a little lack luster about everything.

By the time I got to Spiritual Formation, I was drained; and for anyone planning to take that class or anything like it, I would suggest you don't put your most spiritually demanding class at the end of the day. It's a catch 22 really... I mean, it's nice to have nothing after it, so what was talked about can marinate, but at the same time, you're ready for the day to be over before you even get there.

So anyways, we had planned to do this exercise that is supposed to set the stage for the rest of the semester in the class; and that is, to pick a word that can describe/contain/define/elaborate on the issue of 'spiritual formation' in our own life, and write a 6-8 pg paper on that, over the course of the semester. I had many words ready for this day, but thats not what ended up transpiring in class.

The instructor, Mark Carter, is also the campus pastor, so right there ya know it's going to get heavy... and it always does. He changed things around today because of what happened in Monday's class period, where we reflected about the textbook we read [A Ragamuffin Gospel]. A lot of us were profoundly affected by this book, in such a way that he was compelled to really change the direction of this class in order to eventually take us where we need to be. In laman's terms, a lot of us were feeling really crappy about ourselves after reading the book, and he wanted to take us 'around the corner of grace to transformation'. Good choice.  

So he opens by playing this song by Rita Springer, 'I Have to Believe,' and then we just went straight into prayer. Yeah... I cried. He cried. Many of us cried. This class kills me. We composed ourselves and went into heavy scripture about how much God's grace doesn't end at acceptance of us, but leads to transformation. Maybe as Christians we forget that... that grace is without purpose, isn't just meant to be an unmerited gift, because of our blatant need and lack of spiritual aptitude. It also isn't just to 'tide us over' until we get our act together. I got a lot out of this class -- as always -- but it still left me with a lot of things I'm still dealing with, and I don't know that I'm really at that place where I am able to turn the corner. I mean, I want to, but it feels like I don't have that ability... ugghh...

Another thing pressing, is that I am now being hunted by an gangle of health professionals. Actually, just 1, but that one wants me to go to 2 others as well-- and this means I will have to take a lot of time out of my already crunched week to devote attention to all the things wrong with me. Another uggh...

Yes yes... complainer. I'll shut up. :)

KT

So... I have an idea of what I want to say, but no idea how I want to say it.

It's been a crazy year... and this semester has already overwelmed me. I don't say this to complain, I say this as an encouragement to myself. Sometimes, we need to be reminded how limited we really are -- and this has definitely been the theme of my spiritual season. My own humanity has been constantly butting heads with everything I used to believe about myself. Does anyone else ever feel like that? Maybe I'm totally in left field, but I have a strong belief  that this is because God wants to rebuild me, and thats why I'm struggling as I am -- this is the only hope I've got at this point -- but I could be wrong.

There are few things I have learned.

1) The uncontrollable nature of grace is frightening. You mean, I can't determine how and when and for what reason I can attain grace? My efforts are fruitless? Faith without works is dead, isn't it -- so how can grace be so unmerited? I've been wasting all my time chasing after the chaff in the wind? Yes, that's what I've learned... and as much as we all say we know that -- does your heart know it? Does your heart recognize God's grace when you fall as an automatic and imminent gift, or do you allow or require of yourself some repentant guilt first? No guilt required... grace is sufficient.

2) I don't care how strong you are -- you're weak. Yeah, there are some pretty heavyweight Christians out there. None of you are fooling anyone... I've been there, done that... give it up. Why do I have the audacity to say this? Because I'm being honest with myself, that's why. If you see yourself as a strong Christian,  you are not being challenged, and therefore are not strong, but complacent and comfortable. A really honest Christian will realize that any strength that's conjured up in them is from that well of strength in Christ, only accessible when you are aware of your own weakness. In fact, the weaker we are, the more strength God affords us. If you come against a battle and find that it was easier than you expected -- take a second look to see if you've been victorious, or if you're decieving yourself.

3) There are very few people who care about what you say as nearly as much as you do. There a few exceptions to this rule, but your first assumption in speaking, especially public speaking, is that whatever you say, you should make it short and sweet-- because not too many people really want to hear it in the first place. For instance... maybe some of you have already began to skim this blog; there are even some that quit after they saw how long it was... or that it wasn't light and funny. One of my new goals is to listen and remain attentive to others as much as I would want for myself. It's harder than you think.

4) There are some things insatiable in life; learning, growth, appetite, and love. Yes that's general -- leaves it open for you to fill in where and how for yourself...

5) I don't mind people taking pictures of me nearly as much as I used to. Hooray  for Annetta.

I haven't much else to say, other than I'm tired of where I am, and I want to be done struggling... I know it's not going to happen that neatly, but I'm definitely ready for when it does happen. Thats it!

KT

What a day...

Last night, I had a great talk with my friend Richard, and after some homework time I nodded off to bed around 12... a reasonable hour for me lately. However, I couldn't completely sleep. You know how those nights go, where you are kind of asleep, but not really asleep, and so you close your eyes to induce the sleep, but instead you're like, fake sleeping... yeah, so last night was one of those nights. I didn't know how restless I really was, until my roommate said to me this afternoon that she could tell I was tossing and turning.

Like a complete dork, I forgot my 1st class today started at 8:30, not 8, so I rushed over there, to find that I didn't need to rush at all. I found a way to burn the 1/2 hour, and when class started, I knew it was gonna be one of those days... what I have come to know as 'a thinking day'. All throughout the day, I had moment after moment, topic after topic, thought after thought, until I felt so overloaded, I decided to just get in my pajamas and come here to the library (my obvious place of comfort) and try to pour some of it out.

There is an instructor here at Simpson whom I greatly admire, and I have the pleasure of having 2 classes this semester with her. She is actually one of the major reasons I chose Simpson -- I sat in on 2 of her classes while at Genesis Visitation Weekend last year. Today, in my first class with her, which is History of the Muslim-Christian Encounter, we basically talked about the state of Christian beliefs, viewpoints, doctrine and the early church at the time when the Islamic faith formed. I won't bore you with all of the specifics, but lets just say that I probably wouldn't be too impressed by Christianity either, had I been there. Also, its made me come to the conclusion that we should never combine church and state -- I am convinced that it will not make things easier, more peaceful, or draw more people to God; it would rather do the opposite.

Then after myfrist class...there was the painful experience. I don't really want to go into it, but I will say that it was the actions of a group of people that actually brought me to tears... in public... the kind of tears that are really lonely. I was gonna blog about it, but decided to wait until its something more productive then just hurt.  

Anyways, In my 2nd class with Dr. Cindi Strong, I was acquainted with the formulation and the reality of world religions, on a grand scale; which makes sense, because thats my 'Religions of The World' class. There are quite a few epiphanies I had in this class, but I won't go into every one of them here.

There is one thing conjoining these two classes that I want to mention, because its impacted me since the beginning of the semester. Dr. Strong has a term she uses when speaking about a Christian's relationship with God that just hits me: organic relationship. Just think about your relationship with God, and with Jesus as something organic for a moment. I won't go into it, the definition of the word, the reasoning she's given for that terminology -- maybe another time -- but I want to pass this on for others to think about it, because it's changed the way I look at relationship with Him.

The other big point of my day was of course, my Spiritual Formation class. Today, we had someone give a very moving testimony.Usually, and I don't know why (my heart is stone?) people's testimonies don't move me very much. However, Diana Larkin's testimony just hit me in a lot of places, and her own brokenness in sharing probably impacted me the most. I mean, a lot of times, people think their testimonies have to be tied up in nice little packages with a 'and then Jesus saved me, The End' kind of mentality... that ultimately everything smoothed out because God is good, God is faithful, yada yada yada... maybe thats why testimonies dont move me -- the format is a format, the tone is 'woe is me--until God...' and somehow magically all the problems are resolved or happily on their way there... it's like watching a TV drama, where they always seem to catch the criminal or stop world destruction in 1 hour or less. I don't go for that... tell me something real, be human, don't act like the story is over. Your testimony doesn't end until you're dead -- and even then, it's unlikely you've really had everything figured out before it happens.

At any rate, this reflection of Diana's life testimony sort of revolved around her son's suicide a little over a year ago. Most likely, we have all heard people talk about surviving someone they love that's commited suicide, but Diana's story was just.... different. There was hope, but it wasn't like she tried to conjure it up for the sake of her audience; nor was she disillusioned about where she is in the grieving process. She didn't attempt to sensationalize God's role in everything, nor did she play Him down -- it was just the account of her story, with every joyful, painful, and comforting twist. Yes, it did make me cry a little bit.

Thats my last class, so I headed back to my room, changed into my pajamas, and started a relaxing time reading and blogging in the library... There are still SO many things in my head... but until next time! KT

I probably should be doing homework... but here I am, not doing homework, so oh well.

I got up late this morning, because I got to bed late the night before. I probably went to bed at around 1:30-2:00am, partly because of homework, and partly because of having an interesting roommate. By the way, that reminds me, our bathroom has a new addition -- the Quote of the Day board. This is where I or Tonya write down the funniest thing that was said that day... and usually there is no shortage of these quotes between the two of us. Yesterday at around midnight I made some instant oatmeal. I came back upstairs, and I was sharing with Tonya the lovely 'did you know' facts that are on the little oatmeal packets. I was under the impression before this moment that everyone in urban america knew about oatmeal 'did you know's, but as I read the 3rd or 4th one, she turned to me with a bewildered look and said 'where are you getting all this random crap?' and started busting out laughing. I started laughing and explained the oatmeal packet phenomenon, after which time she birthed our first quote board saying: 'why get a college degree when you can have oatmeal?'

Today has been a pretty good day so far. Someone special to me has done me the honor of writing me into a novel they are working on (how extremely cool is that), and it's brightened my day... probably my next few days, if not week. Namely, my starbucks drink 'rasperry white chocolate mocha' is making an appearance... just because I drink it... :)

Oh, another new thing I'm excited about... for my ministry practicum (2 hrs a wk of mandatory ministry in order to graduate from Simpson) I am going to doing the Chico street ministry. This means that I get to do the kind of ministry I have been doing before... and that puts me in a little bit of a comfortable enviornment. Basically, I'd be on the team witnessing to the people on the streets of Chico every Saturday night. It's going to be really fun -- I'm excited.

I have more to say, but haven't the words to say it yet... thanks for listening friends.

So after months of reading my friend Lindsey's blog here, I saw just how much I wanted to blog... even if no one ever reads it.

This week has been one of the strangest, most stressful, but most spiritually fulfilling weeks I've had in a long time. There hasn't been any real big event or life change to cause this to happen -- its one of those things that just happens on its own, and I am happier for it.

For those who don't know me, I'll fill you in on a few things... I'm from Seattle, I'm a college student in in NCali, and this week was the first week back at school after an unnerving vacation to Washington over winter break. I say unnerving probably because it wasn't anything like I thought it would be, and probably less than what I had hoped. This is the beginning of my second semester here at school, and I realized in going back home last month, that here at school has become more 'home' than Seattle is; I can't explain how both relieving and heartbreaking that realization has been.

Onto my week... I flew home Monday. I sat in the airport alone, then I sat on the plane alone (there were at least 3 empty aisles between each passenger on the plane) and then I got picked up by a friend from school that I'm not so close to, and so that felt like a long car ride home alone.

Tuesday through Friday is where things sped up, and became a messy blur of events... classes started, throwing away money on books took up a grievious afternoon, I began reading incessantly for my classes because thats what you do to not fail here at Simpson -- you read until you go blind. I've always liked reading, but I think I've read more this week than all of last semester.

The two most pivitol moments of my life this week were a fight and a class session. The class session was the latest in my Spiritual Formation class, on Friday. From what I gather, the idea of this class is to teach you how to consistently keep your own spiritual formation alive (or for some of us, get it started again), with spiritual disciplines. Yes, we all need a class in this I think, me most of all. It's not taught as if to condemn us, but rather remind every student of God's grace, and the humanity that's involved with being a Christian -- ya know, all those things that we deny we need to deal with, because we're too holy. It's a good class... the only class I want to really take right now.

The fight was with Richard. Many of you who think you know me best have yet to even know who he is... and that's fine. I will say that he is a good friend of mine, and this fight was definitely effecting me throughout the week. It was in fact a mini-series of arguments, seemingly over the same thing, but onspurred by little different situations. However, all of this is not really why it was important to my week.. fights happen, and people get over them, but the pivitol point was that I realized something about myself.

I'm a very unforgiving person.

What happened, is that after one particular argument, I saw a scary pattern -- he was trying to make ammends, and I was shoving his apology in his face, to make him feel worse. It was a devastating awakening for me. As I looked back on my track record with other friends, I saw the same thing happening. I called my friend Annetta and asked her to confirm my fear, and she said 'basically yeah... I've wanted to strangle you at times, and so have other people, but we all love you now...'

So that brought me to the weekend, where in between book-reading for classes and dorm dramas (uggh...), I've been contemplating the issues of grace and forgiveness. I don't have too much to say on those two, other than 'The Ragamuffin Gospel' is the best book about grace I've ever read... and it is no coincidence that its required reading for my Spiritual Formation class.  

Next time it won't be that long... for all of you who made it, kudos.. I know how hard it is to read something so long about someone else that has nothing to do with you -- you're a trooper.