The Flight of the Pegasus
interesting (not really)
so anyway, i just typed up and big mess of words and then something happened so now i have to do it again which pisses me off. so i'm just going to summarize. basically i have no friends and it's pissing me off because i'm on the forensics team which should mean that i have a few friends but no one is trying to be my friend. grr. oh and i can't forget to take my meds because bad things happen. that's basically it. oh and i'm going back to colors bc it's fun!why?
Why doesn't anyone want to be my friend? I try, I really do. But nothing works. I'm still alone. I wish I wasn't in college. I wish I was still in high. Ah high school how I miss thee. Why won't you come back to me? Why did I have to grow up?lonely
So i'm lonely. you can probably tells this by the title. i just started college and i've been here almost two weeks and i've yet to make ANY friends. i'm even on the forensics team and they aren't even my friends. sure they all pretend like it but i'm pretty sure that they only talk to me because they feel obligated. i feel like i'm slipping into some void where i don't exist. where people only notice me because i take up space in the hallway or in class. it's not fair, everyone is walking around and laughing and talking and going to parties but i'm not. i don't understand why no one will include me in anything. i can't stand it anymore!i'm back!!!
It has been forever since I've been here but this afternoon I decided that to keep myself from going insane I need to talk to myself online so I'm doing just that by continuing this, my deserted blog.Enough of that. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. In truth, I really don't ever want to grow up. I just want to continue my life as a high school student living in my parent's house. Hey, it has it's benefits; a roof over my head, a meal every night, money for gas and other things. The problem is that they haven't yet created a "don't grow up" syrum so I'm stuck growing up and living on my own but I can still be scared. Besides the fact that I have no idea what I'm going to do I have no money so I don't know how I'm going to do anything once I figure out what I'm going to do. Did that make sense? Oh well, it made sense to me and since I'm talking to myself it really doesn't matter whether it makes sense to anyone else.
So anyway if you would like to see my sad attempts at the written word go here. Bear with me while I try and discover some hidden talent that doesn't really exist. So anyway I will close by saying that it's good to be back.
~Rai Thompson~
recent events
Due to recent events, I have decided to suspend this blog. This does not mean I'm ending it forever. I am merely putting it into a temporary state of hibernation, or whatever you want to call it. I will start a new one and only those who are trusted and interested will be given this URL. Thank you for reading and have a nice life.~Rai Thompson~
it's been awhile
Boy, it seems like I haven't been here in forever! when in reality its only been 10 days, lol. Well I wouldn't say a lot of things have happened since then but a few have.First of all I had to do a How To speech in Speech on Monday and it was horrible! Ted had to do his before mine and it took like 30 minutes so I really didn't have time for mine. I just froze, I couldn't think of anything to say and I don't think that it made time. At lunch I told Ted and Mr. Miller that I was going to castrate someone which is true.
On Tuesday I watched Karla and Emma move Karla's bed to her dad's house because she is moving out of her mom's house for good. I think that it is a very good thing for her b/c her mom is a psycho from what I've heard.
Then on Wednesday Emma and I went with the Drama as Lit. class to go see Julius Caeser in Havre and it was so much fun. The play was kind of boring but the bus trip was a blast! On the way up I talked with Kyra, Wyatt, Taylor and some other people about castrating people and Mr. Rennick got so mad at me because I was extremely hyper! On the way back and I mean ALL the way back Emma, Elliot and I talked about God knows what. I don't really remember what we talked about and I was really worried about it but Elliot didn't say anything on Thursday so I figure that I'm safe.
There was no school on Friday and I got my hair highlighted. It looks really good! My dress for prom is SO pretty, I LOVE IT!!!!!!!
Well that's about it for now!
~Rai Thompson~
wimpy
yep, thats me. I'm the biggest wimp in the world! So there is this guy who is in my 4-H club and he's fun to talk to and stuff so I figured that it would be okay to ask him to prom. Only problem is that I can't do it! I had two opportunities today and I can't do it! that's about it, for now.
~Rai Thompson~
prom
yep, it's coming and I'm going. I wanted to go but now I really don't want to go. I don't have a date. I keep telling myself that I don't care whether I have a date or not but I think that I do because...well...I just do. Now I don't want to go because I'm not so sure if I'll have any fun. I can't back out though because my mom is making me a dress and I can't tell her I'm not going because she is totally and completely committed to making this dress. oh well, i guess I'm going.
If there is anyone out there who is close to Glasgow and wants to go to prom, let me know, i'm very avaliable. (lol)
~Rai Thompson~
life
I hate life, its such a b i tc h. I mean at one point you are surrounded by all your friends, your grades don't suck and you parents aren't being assholes and you think, life is perfect. Then what does life do? Stabs you in the back, my gosh, i wish life weren't so complex but then again if it were easy instead of being a b i t c h life would be slut.
So much has happened since my last post. For one thing my dad got drunk and backed into my truck. As if that wasn't bad enough he got mad at me for it. It made me so mad. Right this very minute I'm downstairs on the computer that no one knows has internet connection. I feel like a fugitive but I need my internet, my dad took my internet card, or I'll be cut off from the rest of the world.
A good thing that has happened is that I get to go to an Aerosmith concert. I'm so psyched about it. I just have to have good grades in order to go. I hope I do because I'm pretty sure I'll die if I don't get to go.
There's a lot more that I'd like to say but the stuff about prom will have to wait, I'm really paranoid that my dad will hear me typing.
~Rai Thompson~
my greatest fear
I finally figured that i fear it more than anything; more than needles, more than bees, more than pain, more than work (lol), more than death, more than anything...
I almost don't want to say. I'm not embarassed or anything, it is a rational fear. I'm just afraid that if I admit it to the world, or at least to all the people who read my blog, I'll jinx myself and it will, i don't know, come true.
So here it is, my greatest fear; the fear of being alone or left out. I need other people in my life, i can't stand it when people do things without me, keep secrets from me or leave me out of things. When we do things with partners I actually freak out the night before we split into groups. I'm always afraid I'll be the odd woman out, that i won't have a partner. I'm so afraid that I will be alone the rest of my life after high school and I don't want to be.
~Rai Thompson~
s h i t
that basically describes my life right now. my parents are mad at me, there is a big thing going on with a couple of my friends, and, if that's not bad enough, my friends all think that I like the new kid, well not all of them, just Talya, but that's still pretty bad. i have no idea where my life is headed or where i will end up. I'm so confused and at times i feel so unbearably alone. i know i'm not, it just feels like it. when i'm in public i'm not but when i'm at home sometimes i feel like my friends aren't really there, like they are just nice to me because they have to be, which is probably not true but that's just what it feels like. it may have something to do with the fact that love and romance is blooming all around me and i have no one to share my love with. its just sad, all the pretty girls get the guys and ugly, fat girls like me are stuck with no one. it's just so depressing.~Rai Thompson~
pain
tonight i was reminded of the pain that i experienced when i was younger. how the kids used to tease me still rings in my memories. that day on the bus, when he raked his fingernails across my face, its a day i will never forget. its much like the song Fighter by Christina Aguilera. these experiences didn't weaken me, they only made me stronger and by the time i moved away in the 7th grade, i could've endured a lifetime of their taunts without really feeling it. i will never forget what they did to me, the scars they left in my brain but i will forgive them. I will forgive them for all the pain they caused me, for all the days i went home crying because of what they did, for the masks i was forced to wear so they could not see me cry. I will forgive them not for their sake, but for mine, because, if i let the hatred i feel for them build then it will soon devour my very being and there will be nothing left. So to all you people out there who ever did me wrong, I forgive you.~Rai Thompson~
favorite song
I have decided that So Beautiful is my new favorite song. There's just something about it that makes me really happy when I listen to it. It might just be that I'm a sucker for songs like that but whatever it is, its just a great song.
I saw Chronicles of Narnia with my sister on Tuesday. It was a wonderful movie. I loved the characters and the actors / actresses. The fact that it parallel the story of Christ was great too. It was all around great.
~Rai Thompson~
so beautiful
It's a song. So Beautiful by Darren Hayes of Savage Garden. Its a very beautiful song.
Whether I'm right or wrong
There's no phrase that hits
Like an ocean needs the sand
Or a dirty old shoe that fits
And if all the world was perfect
I would only ever want to see your scars
You know they can have their universe
We'll be in the dirt designing stars
And darlin' you know
You make me feel so beautiful
Nowhere else in the world I wanna be
You make me feel so beautiful
Whether I'm up or down
There's no crowd to please
I'm like a faith without a clause to believe in it
And if all the world was smiling
I would only ever want to see your frown
You know they can sail away in sunsets
We'll be right here stranded on the ground
Just happy to be found
You make me feel so beautiful
Nowhere else in the world I wanna be
You make me feel so beautiful
I have lost my illusions
I have drowned in your words
I have left my confusion to a cynical world
I am throwing myself at things I don't understand
Discover enlightenment holding your hand
You are..
So Beautiful
Yeah darlin' you know!
That you make me feel so beautiful
I feel depressed right now, I don't know why, but I'm just not happy like I usually am. I don't know if it's the fact that I've been sick or what, I'm just not happy and I don't like it.
~Rai Thompson~
sad
I'm not mad at Emma. I just don't really feel like talking to her right now. After Saturday I've just been depressed and being around her and talking to her makes me even more so. I just need a few more days to get over the loss. Then I think I'll be fine. I'm just not ready to laugh and joke with her like we did before Saturday. I feel like someone breaking up with their girlfriend / boyfriend by saying this but it's not her it's me. I guess I just wanted to go to state so bad that I still haven't gotten over the shock of not making it. We had a chance, we made it to finals and I was on my way to Williston laughing and joking with my mom and sisters. When I got that call it felt like my whole world was coming down on top of me. I felt like a terminally ill person being told that there was nothing else that anyone could do, that they had a month to live. My happiness at making it to finals was replaced by an insurmountable saddness that didn't compare to anything I've ever experienced before. I cried for nearly 30 minutes straight afterward and then sporatically throughout the rest of the night. I hate Plentywood and all it stands for. If I were given the chance to drop a bomb on any town of my choosing in the world, it would be Plentywood.
~Rai Thompson~
williston
I went to Williston yesterday. I went shopping and watched my sister play hockey. It was fun!
~Rai Thompson~
puppies!
This week my dog had nine puppies! they are so cute! That's about it besides the fact that we have divisionals tomorrow and i'm so nervous! I really want to go to state!
~Rai Thompson~
a new semester
today marks the beginning of a whole new semester and guess what that means, I HAVE ALL As!!!!!!!!! I am terribly excited about this fact and also the fact that I got a B on my chemistry final, YAY!
I am in speech this semester and it is going to be so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't wait to get started.
my partner and I got third on saturday but we could've gotten first if the judges in finals had had a sense of humor. I was so pissed at them.
that's all for today.
~Rai Thompson~
outbursts
I now feel really bad about what i said to my friend. I just got pissed and its not good when I'm pissed, as you can probably see.
i took my math, us history and zoology tests. i know i did good on the us history one because it was retarded. i'm not so sure about the other two though. i have to take my chemistry test today and i'm freaking out about it. i want to get a good grade, i want to pass the class but i'm thinking that i'm too stupid to do so. i also have to take spanish but its spanish so it shouldn't be too hard.
i'm mad at my soon to be ex-compostition teacher, he is so retarded!
~Rai Thompson~
life sucks!
well, my first finals are tomorrow and i'm dreading them, not only am i not prepared but i've got a lot of other s h i t on my mind at the same time.
first of all, my friend, who i hope is reading this is being a real b i t c h. i don't mean to be mean or anything but she is so f u c king lazy. we have to do this thing for s&d where we have to talk to businesses and get money and stuff from them so that we can run a proper state meet and she claims that she is scared. you know what emma, you are so full of crap, you know for damn certain that you just don't want to get up off your lazy ass and do it. scared my ass. we do the f u c king lumberjack song in front of complete strangers, completely humilitate ourselves online and you say the dumbest s h i t ever around me so cut the scared b u l l s h i t and just do it. i'm sorry, but i've kept it in long enough. you just make me so f u c king mad sometimes!
well, that's all i have to say, have a nicer day than the one that I'm having.
~Rai Thompson~
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