December 19, 2006 - Tuesday

6:50 PM - Will u lay with me ?( not a poem)   Well I guess I'm lonely, broken hearted....lol ya'll know tha song? Anyway...when it's cold outside and the Holiday season is upon me i miss more and more hugz,kisses, and all the inbetween. Sometimes i sit and ask myself why oh why did i decide to stop randomnly dating, i could be all hugged up on the couch right now! But....i know WHY i made this decision...and i'm going to stick with it. I've given up all the people who were just crutches in my life ...and  it's very hard! Some ppl might not know what im talking about right now,and thas ok...basically i used to hang around ppl that i didn't really care for JUST because i hated being "alone"...the thought of not having a male companion killed me...and i ALWAYS had one if not several.  I didn't realize at the time but.....what i was doing was wrong . Those men really cared for me, but i just strung them along. My good pal T held a torch for me for 3 yrz, each yr growing  deeper in love. Problem was his personality drove me absolutely insane, he was cocky, arrogant, and an ass when he spoke , but feable minded me....i kept him around anyway cuz he was always there for me, and always loyal. With him around i could never be alone. But when i fell in love with the guy who couldn't let go of his ex, i leaned on my friend T even more. For valentines day, T surprised me at my job with a  balloon bouquet, a beautiful card, and my fav candy tha i get when im feeling down. It was so nice, and all the women at work were PISSED lol...their husbands and boyfriends hadn't gotten them a thing and here i was ..the single one being surprised. Nice as it was,...i wished it were from the other guy. I wanted HIM to want me the way T wanted me, but i couldn't give T up. The vast difference in the way the guy i wanted and the guy who wanted me was sooo hard to deal with. It made me angry with myself  and with the ugy i was in love with. I compared the two of them, and the countless other guys i "dated" in this time frame. None of them  won my heart, it still belonged to the one who  made a fool of me, and through it all, i  still had T to spoil me up the way i  longed to be spoiled,..but it was WRONG and borderline cruel...cuz in T's eyes he had a chance with me.....even though i knew he  did not. Anyway,i'm a very affectionate person...i could go back to my old ways just to satisfy that need of companionship, but why? Once i realized the error of my ways, i will never go b ack to that. ...I even FINALLY let  T go....it's hard tho...sometimes i wanna call and be like, " can u stay on the phone with me til i fall asleep?" ...i know i know...sad huh ? lol    From a girl who had  many  companions to none....the journey is tough.....but i think karma is on my back big time.....in 2006  i gained 60 lbs, i still was approached by guys, but my CONFIDENCE was shattered..and tha was the first thing that made me slow down in terms of randomnly dating. The old folks say that God works in mysterious ways, well this year has surley  proven just that. I'll be sleeping with my teddy bear tonight, i hope T finds the woman who can really appreciate him...for him ....

I don't even recognize myself, I'm looking in the mirror going where'd my swagger go? LoL i ALREADY WROTE A BLOG called,'aye fat girl"  but that was written as inspiration to women who are addicted to food..as i WAS....and the pains of not being able to control urself and the secret shame of being an emotional eater. Everything happens for a reason, i gained 60 lbs in 06 for a reason, so im not gonna go into all tha again...this is a straight up blog for me to VENT...real talk !

When i see people i haven't seen in awhile I can hear  their thoughts  through their eyes," damn lacy  what happened to u?" Lol...

I'm not stressed about losing the weight, I have God as the head of my life,I can do all things through Christ ...it's just i can't believe how much i've changed physically in just ONE YEAR....i also noticed that i'm not as laid back as i was a year ago. I was never "skinny"   but damn...i have neverrrrrrr been this big ...TBC

Here's the thing, i used to be a social butterfuly who had a whole slew of ppl i kicked it with, .I had no real social standards, i kicked it with ANYONE who seemed fun. I didn't do all the things they did, but i was truly down for whatever( no sex or crazy ish like that) i just ALWAYS had to be out . I was also a date-a holic , if u approached me for my # u probably got it! I was always looking for "love" or..someone to occupy my time and keep me from being bored..i had it bad, i  went on so many dates that even i couldnt keep up. I dated guys who i knew like me even loved me and i had no interest in them at all--but at least it got me out the house.At least it kept me from being alone on V-day. At least it kept everyone thinking i was happy...well   Circumstances change my entire outlook on life, the ppl i was around were bad for me ( and i was bad for some ppl) and ultimately i ended up with 2 constant friends, one girl, & one guy ...who i needed to break away from as well !

THE FEMALE was truly always there for me, would have willingly done ANYTHING, and  given her last, all i had to do was basically give her my soul. Sound strange..it is. She was super possesive of me, very jealous, and obsessivly dependant on me for her joy. I felt bad for her....in my mind i thought i could "help" her, but i was only becoming a huge crutch for her. She was very negative and seemed to hate life. She was very anti-social and  brought out the worst in people. Ultimatley i thought i could change her, but she was the one who began to change me. I went from a fun loving girl, to bitter and always "down" ....i used to hit the mall, hit the club, go play cards... but with this girl all we ever did was go out to eat cuz she hated being around people.  It was hard for me to break away for her...only cuz i knew it would hurt her tremendously( she pulled that suicide card the first time i tried..) AND i knew that only leave me with one person who is a constant source of companionship..BUT i did it, it's been about 2 months and my life was instantly more peaceful .

THE GUY -a guy deeply in love who'd also do anything for me. Unfortunaly i never had any romantic interest in him so i should i set him free a long time ago, but he was always my last resort guy cuz with him at least i knew he loved me. He wasnt a dog in the sense of cheating and lying but an ass in the way he spoke to me. He was very arrogant and cocky and had this "air" about him. I put up with his degrading ways for over 3 years just cuz i was weak minded and felt i "needed" him.

EXAMPLES.. jus recently: I got a new high tech phone - instad of congradulating, he said:" why would u get a phone like that? U don't know how to work it and u dun even have a need for anything like that?" His tone is always very matter of factly and superior. ** I recently became a member of the board of directors for a very prestigious facility and his first reaction was: " why would they pick u? I 'm just saying, what qualifies u for something  like that?" He quickly apologized for sounding like a "cynic"...but the damage was already done)

He also bagn dissing the one thing that has given me strength and courage to change my life....my faith and moral beliefs! (dissing someone else who shares my beliefs is essentially dissing me)

I'm free - now  no one can hold me  back but me!

COMMENTS:

AWWWWWWWWWW LACY u must have known i was gonna read the blog with my nosey self lol But girl i appreciate your honesty recently i had 2 let go of a couple of people cuz i saw myself being there and helping them and i wasant taking care of my self I would give them money cuz they was broke (knowing damn well i was 2 broke lol) and then when i gave them money i found myself broke and none of them were there 2 lend me a hand ya feel me so thanks big sis I LOVE YOU :-)

Whassup Chic?!

The new year is almost here, but u've already begun your "resolutions", I'm so proud of you! You've come such a long way, and though u've either lost or stepped away from your inner personal relationshipz with friendz, God sent ppl to aide u along ur journey to remind u that ur never alone! I'm here to encourage u and to remind u of  ur past, cuz u can't get where ur going, unless u know where u've been.

When it seems hard-KEEP GOING.....God wouldn't bring u this far to leave u on ur own. *Sometimes u have to breakdown before u can break through*~quoted by urz truly =)

You deserve to be the woman God ordained u to be....ans that means striving for only the best in ALL AREAS....never settle..it will only hurt u in the end.

Continue to sit back and let God be in control. Patience.....remember *is* a virtue.

*Don't let ur weakness be ur weapon*-Pastor Ferguson....let go of your emotions....

GO GET EM GIRL!!!

If any of u are like i was,  then  u probably look to men  for ur  personal gratification. Imma tell u....this time last year i was walking around thinking i had it all together, thinking i was so da stuff cuz i had so many niggaz jocking( real talk) I was too moral to be a ho' or a gold digger, but i did use fellaz for their time and companionship. I COULDN'T BE ALONE I was like a lil junkie....i'd get my lil fix and need more, no one guy could satisfy me for long....in my heart i thought i was keeping it 100 with them cuz i'd let them know i wasn't 'feeling them' but i was leading them on and breaking heartz. All i wanted was to find that one true love....so i could stop this vicious cycle, i couldn't understand why  everyone else was finding it but me.

The problem was i DIDN'T KNOW MYSELF.....i was completely unaware of my own faults. I knew the major ones, but the key ones, the ones that really matter when it comes to serious relationshipz i was clueless.

I was unable to see myself because i was constantly surrounded by people, by men telling me how great i am, and girls telling me how fun i am to be around. I LOVED ATTENTION....and no amount was ever enough, how could one man possibly keep me happy?

I don't know what ur problem areas are, chances are u don't either. This year 07, take the time out to really get to know YOU. Take some me time, to figure out what YOU need to work on, what YOU can bring to the table, and what YOU need in a man. And if ur like me, i couldn't come our of my old ways on my own, i needed help....and what helped me  was my saviour Jesus Christ . I'm not a Bible pusher, but maybe YOU should call on him too.

Become the best YOU and then strive for the one who compliments( not completes) you.

DON'T SETTLE....and DON'T be ruled by your emotions PRIDE being a  major emotion among us ladies. Don't stick around cuz he gives ya da buziness cuz if his heart aint in it imagine how many otha ladies getting it too~ aids is too real in "our" community~ think bout dat.

What I would love to see in 2007 - Change.

Change in the way I see myself

Change in what I do, how I spend my time, my money

Change....

maybe even change the hurt in my heart... maybe let someone in.

Maybe even have a day where everything is not exactly the same.

Change is good... well that is what they say....

2006 has been bittersweet, mostly bitter. What exactly is wrong with me that I am still single. Maybe it is because I look in the mirror and still don't get what I am looking at.  Or maybe when I meet someone I already know it is not going to work. I have no faith, but in 2007 that is going to change...

Happy New Year!

Hey everyone....I have not written since MAY!!! That really is ridiculous I can't really believe it.  A LOT has happened to me...some good...some bad...lets just say my other last relationship did not work out and I am single and happy.  I must say it is not easy being single but for the type of things that have happened to me in the last seven months... I don't think its meant to be for me right now.  It is Christmas Day and I sitting at my brand new laptop.  Listening to Frank Sinatra to my new Ipod....Santa def. remembered me.  Haha...my parents got me an amazing laptop and my sister gave me the Ipod because I now work out all the time and the music at the gym is just torture.  So I totally pumped up and can wait to keep writing each day.  To some of the people that have read my blogs religiously I am so sorry for just dropping off the face of the earth....and let me tell you its a miracle I remember this freakin' password for this site.  Took me a couple of tries.  I have missed writing and promise to update often ....I need this release!!!! Muah! Merry Christmas....let the magic of Christmas carry with you all year long! Haha..i am so corny.

What I am listening to on my Ipod: Maneater- Nelly Furtado

Bar and I finally came to an agreement and it's LEGAL. Atleast that's a step forward. It comes a little to late to help my finances though. I am so in debt right now that it's not even funny. We are doing a week on week off arrangement. The weeks without jakey are hard. I miss him when he's gone. I did have one good idea though. I just wish I had the money to do it. I want to start a day care. I have that extra building and it would be great for that. It would need some things to work but if I had the right financing I could pull it together. Getting the money is going to be the hard thing. I'll have to wait until I get things more together. I did download some of the required classes though, so at least I'll have that part of it done.

Things have been weird. I feel very alone. Lena has her new girlfriend so I hardly ever hear from her. I'm not working so I don't even have any work friends.

I did go on a sort of date a week ago. It was the most horrible experience ever. I must be getting desperate because I decided to try online dating. I met this guy from Paul Smiths and he seemed really nice (famous last words) I'm so stupid. The guy didn't have a car so I picked him up at Paul smiths and we went to my house to watch a movie because i'm just not comfortable spending time at Paul Smiths. The guy didn't look anything like his picture. He was REALLY fat which I could have probably looked past but he was ugly too. He couldn't carry on a conversation. It didn't take long to realize that he wasn't all that bright. He had no original thinking. He flopped himself down on my couch and couldn't get out of it..when he did his pants came down and I got a nasty look at his ass. UGH..he was the biggest loser I had ever met. It was so bad that I actually wished Bar was there instead. I cut the "date" short and drove him back to paul smiths as fast as I could. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I would probably never talk to him again. I felt awful. He was absolutely horrid though.

I know things will get better but I feel like i'm wasting my time right now.

im happier now than before, my life has started looking up.

i technically have a boyfriend, rex, the dick i was with before, only now he has another girlfriend this one 3 months pregnant with his baby, but he still wants to go out with me

only now i live in barnsley and he lives in huddersfield, so i barely see him. im breaking up with him if i find someone else i want to go out with.

ive started smoking again with all the stress ive been under, plus with my new job life is stressful. i now work in  a shoe shop, lol.

i might be moving out of my mums finally, a friend of mine has been looking at a house to rent but its 4 bedrooms so she needs 3 other people to move in too, so ive said i would, its only £32.50 a month, so 50p more than i pay my mum at the minute, and fully furnished so hopefully i will be moving out soon.

anyway thats all for today

xx

Patience..it IS a virtue....

Man...i was SO frustrated bout 2.5 seconds ago lol then i had to do some serious thinking...wait lacy...don't let this beat you. This would be my new exercise bike NOT WORKING!...I wanted it sooooooooooo bad, sooooooooo bad guys. So...im at kmart the other day and i see it for cheap az hell..im like ooooooohhhhhhh...i had a "feeling" it wasnt gonna be what i wanted but i was like heck itz cheap and right there in my face.

My mom was like," why u settling?" Im like i'm not! she then very wisely said,"yes u are, u settling cuz u want it RIGHT NOW!" Well she of course was right.

The thing has caused me nothing but frustration since i got it. And guess wha im gonna do now...take it back..get my $$$ and save for the one i do want!!

My frustration coulda been avoided  had i just been patient!

My friend bless his heart (who helped me put it together) felt SO bad that i was having such a hard time. "well i followed the directionz to a tee!"  that was Sunday night we put it together...he offered to come back tonight and help ( i caused him to miss football and everything..sorry  guy =/) but i almost took my frustration out on him tonight when he was doing nothing but trying to help....

Well once i start thinking bout going to walgreenz for a snack--i knew i had to just walk away from the bike and the situatuion take it to God...yes i had to take something minor as a exercise bike to God. But....i feel much ...much better..lol  and even though i can't workout on my bike for awhile..i still have other optionz.

1.)That's awesome, Lacy. There are a lot of people that use food, shopping, and even sex to replace a deeper void that is in their lives. I congratulate and admire you for having the courage to share your story with the world. And you are correct, there are a lot of people going through it and can/will benefit from your testimony! I am wishing you the best in your journey and will be praying for you to achieve all the goals that you have in life.  Putting God first will help you to reach them that much quicker!  Say a prayer for me that I can overcome the demon of Macaroni and Cheese for the holiday season!!

-Richelle

Posted by Richelle on Sunday, October 22, 2006 at 4:11 PM

2.)LACY WHEN I READ THAT MY MOUTH DROPPED I COULDN'T BELEIVE YHAY U ATE LIKE THAT CUZ AT WORK U JUST NIBBLE ON FOOD. BUT U NEEDED THAT CONFIDENCE WITHIN YOUR SELF TO LOOSE WEIGHT AND U LOOK GREAT AND KEEP GOIN TIL U REACH YO GOAL....I'M SO PROUD OF U BUT U KNOW THIS WEEK LUNCH IS GONA B GREAT...

Posted by LIL' CRAZY(Hope) on Sunday, October 22, 2006 at 5:37 PM

3.)

That is so awesome! My story is kinda like that. When I was little, I use to eat out a lot. My dad, my mom, my sister, and I use to go out to eat almost every sunday after church. We use to eat at Outback, Old Country Buffet, Ponderosa, and many other restaurants... My 2 nephews use to stay with us. They're around my age. My nephews, my sister, and I use to walk to Jack-N-The-Box and McD's all the time. We ate a lot of fast food growing up... We all started to gain weight except for one of my nephews. He's always been skinny LOL. We didn't become obese but we were fat. We slowed that down though. They started getting more active.. Me...

Here's my story... I use to suffer from migrane headaches all throughout my childhood. I went from 1 doctor to another doctor and from 1 medication to another. Nothing seemed to make my headaches go away. I was already eating out a lot. But I would eat more to make my headaches go away. To make a long story short... I started gaining weight in middle school. I became chubby. I became depressed.  I wanted to lose weight.  And most of all I wanted my headaches to stop. I went on like a diet. I ate more healthy food, started to exercise more... you know what really made my headaches go away and helped me lose weight... drinking a lot of water... Before I made this change my dad use to tell me to drink a lot of water. He said it flushes out the impurities in the body. Now my dad is really smart but he always talk my ear off LOL. I listened to my dad but it use to go out the other ear LOL.  I listened to him though. I made that change... I really made the change my junior year in high school. By my 1st year in college I had lost 50 lbs. Hallelujah!  I went from 180 lbs. to 130 lbs. My grandma thought I was on drugs LOL... But now I'm in my 3rd year in college and I weigh 150 lbs. I guess since I thought I achieved my goal I would go back to what I use to do. I had to go back and remember though. I got fat 'cause I wasn't eating the right food and not exercsing as much. Now I am watching what I eat and I exercise every week. I need to go back to drinking more water 'cause I kinda left that alone. But right now at 150. I'm right in the middle for my height. This is the weight I really want to be at. My weight is coo. Now Im working on toning up my body.

I really have to recognize the 1 who helped me achieve my goals. God! I love God with all my heart. I prayed that I would lose weight. I prayed for depression to go away. I prayed that my headaches would stop. I prayed and prayed. God listens yaw. Prayer does work. But not only did I pray on it... I offered up praise to Him. I learn to shout even when things are not going right. I learn to shout like I already have the victory... I thank God! He never left me. He brought me through... The power of prayer and praise! When you have faith that your blessing will come and when you have faith that those issues, problems, etc., will come to past... Everything that you hope for you must have faith that it will happen... with God on your side... Trust in the Lord! It will happen!

Thanks for reading my message! God bless!

Posted by Jay on Tuesday, October 31, 2006 at 9:54 PM

4.)HEY LACY U ARE MY INSPIRATION AND I GIVE U PROPS FOR TAKING THE STEPS 2 CHANGE YOUR LIFE !!!! , BUT  I JUST WANTED 2 GIVE U ENCOURAGEMENT AND 2 LET U KNOW U CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST. AND HE IS YOUR ROCK 2 LEAN ON. SO KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND KNOW THAT TROUBLE IS ONLY 4 A SEASON AND THAT LIGHT COMETH IN THE MORNING!!

Posted by ERIKA on Tuesday, November 07, 2006 at 9:40 PM

Sunday, October 22, 2006

ay fat gurl!   Latley all i talk about is my weight. I joke about it , make comments about it. to my friends IM SORRY about that lol Its why im not tyring to date right now though cuz i know no man wants to constantly hear that! And no man wants an insecure woman. But there is a reason...i gained 40 LBS in 6 mos and  another 20 lbs in 3 months. A total of 60 lbs to already being overweight, it shook me up ya'll ..but check this out.... Imma take ya'll on a journey..this might be disturbing to some lol Picture this: Lunch: sample what the kids are served ~then~ McDonalds 10 nuggets, large fry and  a dbl cheeseburger, large soda. ~or ( if i didn't feel like eating real food)~ snack bag of chips,2 big boxes of candy( cuz u know they be on sale!) one soda AND one juice dinner: 12 pieces home  fried chicken with my own special "hot sauce"  and either a juice or soda Yes that used to be how i ate on a daily basis...notice i didn't say anything about water or some damn vegetables!..or any form of exercise Picture this: for lunch one day i had a whole 12 inch pizza  and a juice. I got home my mom wanted pizza...so guess wha i did ...i ate ANOTHER 12 inch pizza...the whole thing! I  used to drive to parks and sit and eat whole pizza's or Mcdonalds so i wouldn't have to "hear it" from my mom. And when i'd get home i'd eat again just so she wouldn't ask what'd you eat? Some might ask why am i putting this out there on Myspace, well it's simple. The struggles i go through might help someone else who is going through the same thing. i KNOW IT SOUNDS CLICHE but if i can change my eating habbits then i know anyone of you out there can do it to. I  now eat subway or other light foods for lunch! I can't even tell you when the last time i had a bag of skittles or chips. LISTEN TO ME PEOPLE...eating junk food was a daily habbit for me and LOADS of it. I don't feel irritable or unhappy in doing so...i STILL eat. I had mcdonalds last week....but i had a happy meal! I still make mistakes, but im much better off than i was and in about 2 weeks...i lost 12 lbs. I prayed and prayed hard for God to renew my mind to give me the strength to change my wants so that i don't even crave to eat the way i used to. If you just open the door for him he will come in and help you with any situation. As always...this is a true testament of what God has done for me. But my story is just beginning..... so stay tuned!     12:12 AM - 5 C

1.) I love it!!

Posted by Richelle on Monday, October 30, 2006 at 8:34 PM

2.) It is a testomony! U betta let Him work it out for u! lol U sound like me fa real. This message made me happy... happy for you... and happy for myself... God bless!

Posted by Jay on Tuesday, October 31, 2006 at 9:58 PM

Don't worry guys...i'm Ok

Wha it do people?!  I know my blogs  have painted this depressing/lonely  picture of me lately, but  TRUST me...i'm more content now than i've ever been. 

I'm single with very few  friends/associates  because i chose it to be this way. I was surrounded by ppl who did nothing but BRING ME DOWN. tHE GUYS  i dated were users and selfish manipulaters, the girls i befriended were even worse! Im  almost 25..and i didnt want my next 25 yrz to be spent making the same mistakes .

** So i decided to take a stand and let GOD be in controll of my situation. And following his will and walking by faith, i'm doing whats best for me and learning and growing a whole lot in the process.

(He's preparing me for something major!) 

 NEVER FEAR.... I'm still a fun, happy go lucky person. I still love life  and love to laugh. I'm stil very silly and goofy, u can catch me  at any giving moment doing the chicken noodle soup dance or some other randomn craziness.

When u read my blogs telling of the things i'm going through, don't pity me, but keep me uplifted in prayer, for strength to stay encouraged. My blogs are not for sympathy but a tool of encouragement for others who may also be going through....

~*In order to get what u've never had, u have to do what u've never done*~

~it has to rain before there can be a rainbow~

*Those who sow in tears, shall reap in joy*-

Be blessed...

*Lacy

l.a.c.y

L. live to have fun

A. damn good kisser

C.wild and crazy

Y. one of the best g/f's anyone could ask for

 NOW DO UR OWN!

A- Damn good kisser.
B- Good all around person.
C- You're wild and crazy.
D- Sucess come easily to you
E- You have a nice ass.
F- People totally adore you.
G- You never let people tell you what to do.
H- You have a very good personality
I- You get hyper easily.
J- Everyone loves you.
K- You like to try new things
L-you live to have fun.
M- You have one of the best personalities ever
N- you are ******* fineeee.
O- You are one of the best in bed.
P- You are popular with all types of people.
Q- You are a hypocrite.
R- Fuckin sexy.
S- easy to fall in love with.
T- You're loyal to those you love.
U- You're unique.
V- very sexual
W- You are very broad minded.
X- You never let ppl tell u wat to do.
Y- One of the best bfs/gfs anyone could ask for.
Z- You are committed to your relationships (in the long-run)

comments :

J- everyone loves me O-u r 1 of the best in bed V- very sexual A- damn good kisser N- u have a good personality mine is so true.. this boosted my CON- FO- DENCEEE!!!!

Posted by JOVAN on Tuesday, November 07, 2006 at 12:23 PM

1.) hey thank you so much for your comment. your advice is well appreciated. i so needed that. i was having the worse day. man i know how you feel. when my cousin crystal died a few months ago i was so mad at God for taking her away at such a young age. but i'm  begun to accept it. i'm glad to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. your experience has given me hope. i was wondering if it would be okay to add you?

Posted by Eliza  on Tuesday, November 07, 2006 at 10:40 AM

2.) Lacy datz sum deep talk gurl u had me cryin my lashes almost came off.. u appear to b handlin it good around us at work but i no u feel it the most when u r alone cuz thatz when u realize that u really do miss him.. I cant say i no how u feel cuz i dont and tha only person i lost that was really close to me was my 2- year old niece. and like u i still miss her so all i can say iz keep yo head up and think positive and do something positive throughout yo life that would of made him tha proudest father.. But u r a GODLY person so i no God has something great in store 4 u..  

Posted by  Hope on Tuesday, November 07, 2006 at 12:17 PM

3.)Girl, I am about to start crying reading this! I completely understand where you are at right now, we've talked about it and it's all about living the life now. No one is promised tomorrow! You've always got a friend right here.

Posted by Richelle on Monday, November 27, 2006 at 10:20 PM

Monday, November 06, 2006

u wanna read this....trust!   here's an intro to my  " mission"...u can't get this on a  a survey! If u've ever read my blogs then u kinda have an idea of wha im all about.  in short..i love Myspace...i love meeting new people and staying connected to ones i already know. But...i always pray and ask God to use me...use me to help others. And i've been through some things that i KNOW someone else has too. As much as i love sending silly comments and reading funny messages....i also want to open up my private pains to someome who can find a blessing in it. My story.... Ms. happy go lucky, ms. sunny disposition always smiling, always flirting, always singing , dancing and acting silly. Even when i was mad i was still pretty chill( unless u really pissed me off lol) Well in 05 my best friend, my father died and i just about died with him. Like most people in denial, i didn't think i was as messed up by his death as i actually was. I just partied more, flirted, dated more,   even fell in love again.  I thought i could just go on and put my pain in mans hands but...Man..none of that ish worked cuz *gasp* deep down i was still empty! I thought everyone else was crazy.(my friendship with my best friend since 8th grade ended within months of  my fathers death-it was already on rocky terms, but she was doing some stuff that was just down right cruel but when he died it hit a boiling point..i couldn't handle it...  . How could she be acting like this NOW when i really need her the most???  All my friends, the guys in my life..i was constantly MAD/hurt at people  for doing insanely hurtful things...didn't they know i was ALREADY hurting. didn't they know how much i needed themmmmm?/ cuz i did need them  Righ?WRONG...and i quickly found out how wrong i was beeing that all those empty relationshipz  & friendshipz  failed.   I remember for the first few months after he died ppl always said," lacy is handling it so well. She's so strong!" No one ever saw my pain, i kept it buried so very deep inside underneath all the "fun". But i'd really just gone from one extreme to another. I took my wall down that was protecting my heart and fell  soooooo in love  that it felt like as long as i had him i could get all but ignore anything else going on. I put my whole heart in his hands and was jus like here, "take it and put it in YOUR body" lol. I ..i was living through him... well when that didn't work out  it was like i had nothing else. I didn't wanna die..come on man i would never go there over a dude/plus i could always go out and get anotha if i wanted to..=x..but i  felt yet again so very betrayed. " he never loved me! Another liar and enemy posing as a friend!" ---ugh...i felt so alone at that point and the people that were still around i began questioning  when they'd too shove the knife in my back. wtf did i do to deserve such  I had no joy left. My sunny disposition was all the way gone. I was ms. mopey, ms. cranky. Ms. bitter. I was no longer living, just merely alive. One Sunday  about 8 mos ago in  church i sat there thinking bout all the things i'd "lost" and just began to weep.."this can't be life".." i dun want this to be my life!" my mother held me so tight that day. We never had a close relationship. She had no idea what was going on in my personal life...never seemed to care either...but that Sunday, she embraced me as if  we were best friends ! And thas the day i surrendered my life to God. Since that day i've gone through some amazing changes which didn't come without overcoming obstacles. I am so at peace with my life  and the journey i have chosen . In allowing God to have complete rule and control of  my life that void has finally been filled! No amount of love or friendship done without the Holy  prescense of God can  TRULY mend a broken heart.     ~My smile has returned. God is good, and worthy to be praised~

Guys Vs. God

I'm so sick and tired of  some  guys  and their  inconsiderate nature. . I've been through a lot in my life and i thought  being in love would " conquer all" (it was the only thing missing) ...for some people thas true, but it wasn't for me. I found love, but i was still empty inside.  When i meet a guy im not looking to change him into a "Christian" because i CHOOSE to only date Christian men, just makes it easier. So..when i meet guys who aren't Christians they get all huffy and puffy...look.I'm not trying to change u, so dont get made when u realize u can't change me.....I am who i am, either respect that or keep it moving...simple!

 Anyway, I'm very frustrated with a friend right now. I try not to push my beliefs on others....i try to hand with like minded people. But this friend  beliefs are soo diff than mine, and  he met a girl whos beliefs are similar if not the exact same as my own .

He not only doesn't understand her beliefs..but disagree's. As a friend i want to listen and be there for him, but i understand where she's coming from. Being in the same position...we dun want anyone whos just waisting our time. If u not on the same thing then leave us to someone else who may be. (as far as dating )

At first, my friend wasn't tha interested in her, said she "wasn't the one" and tha he only wants to date girls he can see marrying...well...after i suggested to him that he let it go sense she wants a "spiritual man" he suddenly is more interested in her ....only to after another date complain even more about her beliefs--it's  One thing to disagree with her beliefs...but knock her beyond her back for it...to me ..when u know  she and i believe the same thing??? She has a right to want to date a spiritual man, if ur not it then keep it moving, why do some guys have to make everything so hard. U  weren't even that interested in her until she seemed like a forbidden fruit....geez

* rollz eyez*

Am i wrong for being annoyed?

COMMENT:

That's the way of the world, Lacy Loo. You always want what seems unattainable. It puts more of a fire under your can to pursue what you seemingly can't have. With that being said, you are totally right for being annoyed!

Posted by Richelle  on Monday, November 27, 2006 at 10:17 PM

Karrine Steffans: The Video Vixen Interview

By Kam Williams

When I first interviewed her a couple of years ago, Karrine Steffans was making the transition from Hip-Hop ho to legitimate Hollywood actress. She was then enjoying her big screen debut as Larenz Tate's wife in A Man Apart, an action-adventure flick starring Vin Diesel. During that tame tete-a-tete, she never let on about the sordid, suicidal, sexually-depraved, alcohol and drug-addicted life she had been leading, despite being a single-mom. Nor did she discuss bottoming-out after an overdose which left her broke, blacklisted and living in a car with her little boy.

Because Karrine was such a shameless name-dropper, I distinctly remember repeatedly asking her about all of her famous friends. But every inquiry led to a very dull dead-end. Now, she has just published a tell-all autobiography, Confessions of a Video Vixen, which sits high atop most best seller lists. In it, she admits to sleeping with Puff Daddy, DMX, Xzibit, Jay-Z, Ja Rule, Doctor Dre, Ice-T, Bobby Brown, Usher, Shaquille O'Neal and Vin Diesel, to name a few.

KW: Why were you so very tight-lipped about the nature of your relationships with all the celebrities you knew the first time we spoke?

KS: Well, that wasn't the appropriate time. We were talking about A Man Apart. Everything has its own time and space. And there are some people that I mention in Confessions, and some that I still didn't.

KW: Yeah, like in the book, you hid the identity of a very famous lover of yours you called Papa. Care to share his name now?

KS: I'm still not going to tell you.

--> FASTCLICK.COM 300x250 Medium Rectangle CODE for blacknews.com --> .. language=javascript src="http://media.fastclick.net/w/get.media?sid=10176&m=6&tp=8&d=j&t=n">..> <[[iframe]] marginWidth=0 marginHeight=0 src="http://view.atdmt.com/AVE/iview/vlclcmba0020000103ave/direct;wi.300;hi.250/01/20061115013917/?click=http://media.fastclick.net/w/click.here?cid=63542;mid=123945;sid=10176;m=6;c=0;forced_click=" frameBorder=0 width=300 scrolling=no height=250 allowTransparency leftmargin="0" topmargin="0"> --> FASTCLICK.COM 300x250 Medium Rectangle CODE for blacknews.com --> KW: Why not, when you've confessed to sleeping with so many others? KS: At this point it's inappropriate, because of a promise I made to him that he would remain anonymous. KW: How about a hint? KS: What I will say for my readers is that Confessions has a really big clue about who he is. KW: What has been the reaction of the lovers you did name to the book? KS: There's been no reaction. The celebrities named in the book are fine. It's kind of surprised me that people find what I said so amazing, because people who are inside of the industry know all the stuff that I could've said. KW: But let's take someone like Ja Rule, who has a wife and kids. I would imagine that he might be very upset. KS: I'm sure it's uncomfortable. But, no, he's not upset. This is not news to him, or his wife, or his family. It's not like his wife just found out. She knows her husband and that I was not the only girl. He had hundreds at that time, and I'm sure thousands over the years as he traveled the world. So, it's not like anyone's surprised, even if it's uncomfortable. KW: Do you have any misgivings about tarnishing the image of so many icons? KS: I'm surprised that people think they're important. To me they're not. They're just people you run across. The names I gave away in Vixen are throwaway names. They're nobodies compared to who else I have in my phone book. KW: Like who? KS: There are some people who are very powerful who I will never name, because I want to be able to work in this town when I'm done. That's why it's easy to give you thruway names like Jay-Z. I'm not in the music business. I don't work for Def Jam. KW: So, you see Jay-Z as a nobody? KS: Not that he's a nobody, just nobody special. KW: Did you mean to imply that Puff Daddy, I mean, Diddy and Xzibit are gay when you mentioned their taking you to a gay nightclub? KS: I'm not implying anything. That was an experience of mine. I'm just saying what happened and what was said. Any conclusions would have to be drawn by the readers. KW: Did you really sleep with Vin Diesel? I've interviewed him several times, and he's always sounded like such a gentleman. He even told me he wasn't a womanizer, but that he was saving himself for the right woman. KS: [laughs] Really? That's a load of [expletive]. He wasn't saving himself when I was with him. It bothers me that people find it necessary to paint pictures. Truth and honesty is my thing. He was. KW: I'm gonna ask him about you the next time I speak to him. Why did you put so many sexy photos of yourself scantily-clad in the book, if you've put that lifestyle behind you? KS: I'm not uncomfortable about anything I've put in the book. It's just the truth. Those pictures are fine. They're pictures from my past, of things that I have done with people I have known. They're from stages of my life, and all of that is relevant to this book. KW: The nicest picture is the one of you and your son, Naiim. How is he doing? KS: All these things happened a long time ago. My son is seven, and he doesn't remember any of that stuff. For the last four years, he's spent every day with me. Thankfully, I got my ways over with while he was still basically a newborn. He was two and three years-old. KW: Is there any truth to the rumor that you're now dating Bill Maher of Politically Incorrect? KS: Absolutely. KW: How is that relationship? KS: Wonderful! It's the best I've ever had? KW: Does he have a good relationship with your son, too? KS: Nope. They don't have one. They don't need one. It's unnecessary. What would I introduce my son to a man I've only known for four months, no matter how great the relationship is. If Bill and I are together half a year, maybe I'll consider it. But even then, it's still dating. There's no need for them to meet each other. KW: So, does your son then have a relationship with that rapper who's his biological father? KS: They don't have a relationship. They don't know each other. They never have. KW: Do you consider yourself totally through with that self-destructive lifestyle? KS: I haven't spoken to any of those people, for the most part, for over four years. There are some I'm still cool with. We'll see each other and speak, say, "How you doin'?" and keep going. KW: What enabled you to move on from playing the party girl? KS: Most people grow. The person you're reading about in that book is 21. I'm 27 now. You would hope that I would grow and expand and change just from the natural progression of life. And that's what I've done. KW: Why kiss and tell? KS: It was easy for me to write about it, because I'm so far removed from that character. The person I was in that book was a character. She's not even who I am today. People who know me, recognize a definite difference in my poise and in my personality, because I've grown. KW: I agree you don't sound like the same person, but maybe you had drug problems when I spoke to you. KS: At that time, no. I was already out of that lifestyle by the time I talked to you. KW: Have you burned too many bridges to return to acting? KS: No, I have no interest in it at all. It doesn't move me whatsoever. KW: Why not? KS: Because I'm a power fanatic. I like to own things, and have them be mine. Acting doesn't belong to you, if you're not the writer or the director. KW: So, what will you work on next, then? KS: The movie version of this book. They're bidding on the rights to it right now. KW: You recently had a tiff with Tyra Banks during the taping of her new talk show. Do you care to share your side of it? KS: There are a few things that tend to infuriate me. One is ignorance, because I have become accustomed to speaking to very intelligent people like Gore Vidal and Al Franken on a regular basis, since dating Bill Maher. Therefore, when I'm in an interview with someone who is not intelligent, but flat-out ignorant, idiotic and stupid, or just an ass, it really gives me a headache. KW: So, how do you deal with jerks like that? KS: I've walked out on interviews, when they're so beneath me and what I'm trying to say. And then there are people like Tyra who are hypocrites. Women especially, who have slept their way through their whole careers. And it's not a secret within the Hollywood circle. KW: So, Tyra's been around the block. KS: I've always heard about it from men we've both slept with. KW: I'd think that the two of you should have had a great conversation in that case, swapping stories. KS: No, not 15 years later, now that she has her own talk show where she's well-groomed, all made up, and has on a $5,000 wig. Don't get me wrong, Tyra's done well for herself. You have to applaud her for all that she's achieved, coming from that model world, and expanding, which is wonderful. But let's not pretend that you haven't done some of the people and things that I've done. KW: So, Tyra didn't want to 'fess up? KS: Anyone in that position, in an interviewer's position, to do it well, should always remain objective. That's part of the job. KW: So, you feel that she attacked you instead of interviewing you? KS: When someone talks to me, and they're personally attacking me, because there's someone in my book that she's been with, because of the people that she's slept with that we have in common. When you're making me seem like the bad one, like only I've slept around, like only I've dated famous people, then I find it necessary to say what you've done. We should just be honest. KW: So, she made it personal? KS: Yeah, and then I felt the need to get personal back. KW: So, are you saying Tyra slept her way to the top? KS: I have a list of names of people that' she's been with, including women. Let's not go there, because I am the truth-teller. And I'll tell it all. So, hopefully, she realizes that now, and she'll stay clear out of my way. KW: Do you hope your book will warn young girls of the sexual exploitation, drugs and other pitfalls of appearing in gangsta' videos which await them when they arrive in Hollywood. KS: Yes, that's what's happening. Girls are getting it. They're understanding that the life they thought existed in Hollywood doesn't really exist. It just doesn't. I'm not just saying that because my past is a little skewed and I had a hard time. Even now that my life is great, and I'm way better off physically, financially and emotionally, I can still look at it and say, this place is such bull-[expletivie]! And it is. KW: Where do you go from here, professionally? KS: I'm just going to continue what I've been doing, which is writing. The next book is the paperback version of Confessions, which will have more information. Then, I'm writing a novel for next summer, I believe. And I'll continue to write. I already started a book on relationships, on being a woman, and how we mess up our relationships trying to be too independent. I am a writer. Video Vixen was not a fluke. This is what I do, and it's my job now. KW: Well, thanks for giving me an honest interview this time. KS: Thanks, Kam. I appreciate it.