It looks like spring again here. I love spring, yeah it smells kind of funky but I still love it. I love the sunshine and the fact that there aren't any bugs out yet. I love that you can just run outside without having to put on fifteen layers of clothing. I love riding in the car with the windows open.  It distracts me from all of the things that i've been worrying about lately. In the winter it seems like the snow will never go away just like it seems like things will always be screwed up in my life but spring does eventually come.

I have been doing really well with my diet and i've been walking around 3 miles a day. I walked 4 today. It seems like slow progress but it will be worth it a few months from now. I'm hoping that I can get my cardio fitness up to the level that I will need it to be for the Academy. I think that is the only part I am going to have a hard time with. My strength i'm not worried about, although I'll work on that as well. Everyone around me doesn't seem to be very supportive or what i'm doing, i think they all think I will give up on it or that I won't make it. I am determined to do this though, my life has been stagnant for too long and it's not going to change without some hard work.

Aidan has been acting really funny lately. I'm not sure how to explain it. I think it's partly regression because of his brother, but he seems to be off. Like he's not really there. I try to calm him down so we can talk but he has just been too off the wall. He laughs all the time but it doesn't seem like real laughter, like he's doing it just because he thinks he's supposed to. It's this stupid house, I know it is. It's like he's retreating into his mind so he doesn't have to listen to the craziness. I do the same sometimes. I hate it here.

Hmmm. Okay so there's this guy that I had a drunken one night stand with over a year ago. He worked as a chef at the restaurant I worked at. He moved to Cali with his girlfriend like three days after the "incident" leaving me to catch all of the flack for it. Yesterday I get an email from him on my yahoo personals. He left his now ex girlfriend in California and he wants to get together. I know what he means by get together, he made it quite clear. He's cute and funny..now here comes the BUT...He's an alcoholic, he's kind of sadistic and i'm sure he's not looking for anything serious with me. I'm not even sure what he thinks of me..i'm guessing he thinks i'm an easy lay. I'm not really..that's why I don't drink anymore. I do really stupid things when I'm drunk. The only reason that this offer sounds at all appealing is because it's been over a year since i've had any of that kind of fun. Maybe a drunken night of irresponsibility would be good for me...yeah, i know, probably not. SIGH.

Now i have the daunting task of trying to decide where the 179 dollars i have should go. I have 15 or so bills that are late..choices choices.

Okay, so i'm not quite ready to start begging on the streets but i'm pretty close. I can't find a substantial job and I feel like the biggest loser. The Corrections officer exam is on saturday but you have to go to the academy and pass a rigorous physical exam. I don't think I can do that. It's a good job though, it would make enough money so I wouldn't have to sell the house. WHAT SHOULD I DO? I know I should have confidence in myself but I don't want to embarrass myself either, plus it would be a long time before I actually started making money. OY. No one told me that life was going to be so confusing. Speaking of confusing for the last few weeks I have been seriously pining for Bar which is the most ridiculous thing ever since he sucked as a boyfriend the first time around. This is most likey caused by the fact that i've been alone for about a year. I think i'm just in a state of dillusion.  On the bright side it's beautiful outside.

mARCH 16, 2007

10:37 PM - R.I.P Daddy

Dear Dad,

Tomorrow makes 2 years since u've been gone. Even though u've been with us everyday in our heartz...does it matter if we go visit ur grave site? It doesn't...but we're going anyway. So much has changed since u left. My life was at a stand still...i dun remember being as much of a serial dater until u were gone, david was away at school..al was married and moved on. I felt so alone. I hid my pain from everyone including myself. I drowned my sorrows in constant being out , kicking it, ..dating..and NEEDING a man by my side. I didn't have a b/f but i had several "friends"..sad to say i coulda had 100 and even combined wouldnt have been able to fill tha void. I was so selfish, and so...blind. At one o fmy lowest points...i considered dating a married man who was *gasp* 45 y/o! Met him at a bowling party...i even drank and drove that night..on the highway...while crying! Everything i was doing was jus adding more pain to my life.  That night i called the guy i was in luvvv with hoping he could make me feel better...but instead he hung up in my face.." u been dirnking? ..ughh..i'll holla at u later"  I prayed Ms. Lord don't let me wake up to see another miserable day....of course i did...and each day had gotten worse n worse.

Oh...i dunno if ppl knew or was aware...i wasn't even aware ..that i had a problem, ..i have been slightly depressed all my life, never really knew what inner joy and inner peace was..but when u left...things were really bad. All the friends who'd betrayed me,all the men i was dealing with...no real hope for a better future..to scared to end it all myself....blah if ppl really really knew what i went through when u left....

Anyway, somehow God kept me through all that...and it's been long enuff...ur gone, and im readyh to live again....i've had a remarkable turn -around. I'm nearly a totally different person then i was this time lass year. Of course im still working on things, if u could see me now u'd be so proud...tonight i do feel it...i feel the tears wanting to come, but all this has taught me tha its ok to be sad, its ok to be afraid...just know who to lean on. I've become best friends with Jesus..cuz he won't hang up on me when i need him most. He'll always be there when i jus need a hug or smile, or jus a kind word. I can not ever feel stupid for loving him; cuz his love for me is pure...and mutual....and his love is the only thing that got me through cuz when u died so much of me died too.

ok, so lately i've really really  really really been obsessing with my weight... in fact, today, i have to wear layers so that my sister doesn't get mad atme for losing weight while back in k-w.  *shrugs* anyway, i would have posted on my myspace account, however it keeps coming up with technical errors when i want to load my add new blog part.  so, here i am again.

artist- superchick title - beauty from pain
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive
But I feel like I died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Thought it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Thought it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Thought it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Artist: Superchick
Album: Beauty From Pain
Track: Courage

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well"
"I ate before I came"

Then someone tells me how good I look
and for a moment
For a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone
No one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment
For a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but what I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

Binge + Purge - Lunachicks

Can't have an inch of fat on my bod
Gotta get on the cheerleading squad
Play try-outs are next week
There's a foxy guy I gotta meet

Mom won't let me eat too much
But in my room I go and stuff
Ipecac & Exlax are my best friends
I'll have my head in the toilet till the end

Fingers just not long enough
This time the purge is gonna be tough
People tell me that I'm thin
Then they ask about the bruise on my chin
When I'm home I eat as much as I can
Pretty soon I'll need a bedpan
No guys like me 'cept for Lax
But he's my ex!

chorus

Binge and purge the whole day through
I threw up on mom's good shoes
I made a mess in the school bathroom
Someone's bound to catch me soon
Binge and purge

Mom found me on the floor
Blood stains on my Christian Dior
Now I'm in the hospital
They feed me from a bag on the wall
Me & my friends do it all together
Circle purge will make it better
Ruptured my esophagus
But I'm still a hippopotamus
Just can't seem to figure it out
Why my teeth keep falling out!

chorus

The Gossip - Standing In The Way Of Control

Your back's against the wall
There's no one home to call
You're forgetting who you are
You can't stop crying
It's part not giving in
Part trusting your friends
You do it all again and I'm not lying

Oh oh oh
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control

I'm doing this for you
Because it's easier to lose
And it's hard to face the truth
When you think you're dying
It's part not giving in
Part trusting your friends
You do it all again but you don't stop trying

Oh oh oh
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control

Standing in the way of control
We live our lives
Because of standing in the way of control
We will live our lives
Because of standing in the way of control
We live our lives
Because of standing in the way of control
We will live our lives, lives, lives, lives on

Your back's against the wall
There's no one home to call
You're forgetting who you are
You can't stop crying
It's part not giving in
Part trusting your friends
You do it all again, you don't stop trying

Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control

Because of standing in the way of control
Because of standing in the way of control
We will live our lives, lives, lives, lives on

I'm pumped, im excited, and i can't sleep! Well...i haven't tried to yet, but im almost sure my mind will be going at full speed if i tried to lay down right now.  I need to remmeebr this number..1-866-360-8282

ughhh dude...i placed an order like a week ago...express delivery..never came and i never recieved my email confirmation.....i pray that i haven't been hosed =/

customer service beach body.com...ok anyway....i spoke of weaknesses.....last time and the best thing about it was i was able to actually see my weaknesses....a lot of ppl can't say that. A lot of ppl still walk around giving off all this BAD ISH and have no idea....i know a few like that personally...anyway, they say the first step is in admitting the problem....

the mind  is strongggggggggg but i do believe we can train our thoughts...for me it is going to take constant prayer, and meditation on the word. I'm already one step ahead becuz i have a strong desire to change.....and that is the ist step to me.

Ok, night eveyrone, Love ya =)

7:22 PM - my weakness....

I have three very big weaknessness.( that right not are keeping me bond ) Ugh..it's so frustrating...i've been working so hard to overcome many things in my life and blahh..i get so close like i can taste it and then BAM one of my weaknesses come crashing it.

1.) Emotion ---imma water sign...very emotional even though i hide it very well. Hiding it makes it worse though, i become so...uhh i dunno engulfed with my own thoughts that they almost overtake me...my emotionz are extreme to...if im mad at u im really f****** pissed and nothing but prayer and praises God will ease the intense feeling. Same thing with every emotion...from love, to hate...whatever im feeling its to the extreme...

2.) Trust---ok this is tricky...cuz i never get it right, either i COMPLETEY trust the wrong people, or don't trust the RIGHT ppl at all =/  I've had such a bad track record in terms of trust that i always talk or think my way out of trusting anyone...and everyone

3.) Pride-- i never thought i was prideful until recently..but if someone wrongs me, (even though the Bible sayz luv thy enemy) i find it extremly hard..EXTREMLY..and im like they F***** me over so F*** them too =/ This is the worst...it drains me, when im around someone like this its very hard for me to not habor hard feelings. Ughh i'm come a LONG way, a LONG way lol but i see tha it's still a problem for me.

Anyway, right now there's someone who bend me over raw!...i mean with nooooo lube at all lol...but i want to put it behind me, i want them in my life and they want to be in mine..but geeezzzz it's so hard to get it out of my mind....to not constantly think this person is jus out to F*** me over again.

My ex told me i would miss out on a lot of good things by having this attitude. At first i thought he was bitter cuz he was a person who i was like F*** YOU! but, now i get it and he's right.

The bottom line is...people f*ck up, including me ....and i'd want someone to give me another chance right?

I want to serve the Lord  and if turning the other cheek, humbling myself, and ALWAYz being the bigger person is part of that then i have to trust him and when he gives me his words( the word!)  show him i trust him by obeying....

I know this is my pay back..for every guy who i led on , who i went out with, who wanted me and i didn't want them back....but yet i allowed them to grow closer to me....ahh...pay back is truly a b*tch ...

I'll keep this buried in my heart forever if i have to...i miss u so much. As tomorrow approaches im stuck with all these mixed emotions....i tried to walk away from u, to not miss u, to not want u ..to ..not...love..u....its so hard, ive never been in this situation before....ever..i had to completley walk away from u...to let God handle it....thas how bad it was for me. Ultimately i guess its no point trying to fight it....i love u, and i always will....blahhh

10:19 PM - i forgive u ?

  If i could name every person that i lead on, used, lied to or manipulated in some form i'd be tired of typing. If i could go back and verbally apologize i'd be tired of talking. If i could repay them with money id be broke....point is...my life once was full of pain...a cycle of getting hurt and hurting others. I never intended to hurt anyone, but  i think i was living in a fantasy world..actually i know i was.  It wasnt til just recently when that fantasy world was shattered....i woke up and saw that i too was just as guilty of so many ppl i blamed for my painful life.

Its so hard to see urself...no truly see urself. What sucked..is seeing myself caused me to hurt even more ppl...except this time i was fully aware it would hurt them . Sometimes we hold on to ppl for the wrong reasons....and by time we realize or decide to let them go....they've grown too attached, or too in love, or to care for u too much as a friend...tha nothing could ever prepare them for the "betrayal" of the split. --it's happened to me many times.....

I look back at my past and it used to scare me......but im telling ya that God is a God of second chances. My past does not and will not predict my future. I'm tired of loving folks in vain....i'm tired of ppl loving me in vain. The only ppl i want in my life are the people that are SUPPOSED to be there... ..where there's a mutual connection, a mutual bond, mutal respect....and mutal love.....

My past will have me to believe that i don't deserve that, that i've hurt too many ppl, and too many ppl have hurt me.....but just as i had to forgive those who hurt me, i pray that  the ones i hurt will do the same, cuz HE has already forgiven us all.

Im ready for my second chance, im ready to really experience life and not feel "stuck" im ready to leave my past where it is and embrace my future. I'm ready, because i forgive you....and i forgive myself

10:19 PM - i forgive u ?

  If i could name every person that i lead on, used, lied to or manipulated in some form i'd be tired of typing. If i could go back and verbally apologize i'd be tired of talking. If i could repay them with money id be broke....point is...my life once was full of pain...a cycle of getting hurt and hurting others. I never intended to hurt anyone, but  i think i was living in a fantasy world..actually i know i was.  It wasnt til just recently when that fantasy world was shattered....i woke up and saw that i too was just as guilty of so many ppl i blamed for my painful life.

Its so hard to see urself...no truly see urself. What sucked..is seeing myself caused me to hurt even more ppl...except this time i was fully aware it would hurt them . Sometimes we hold on to ppl for the wrong reasons....and by time we realize or decide to let them go....they've grown too attached, or too in love, or to care for u too much as a friend...tha nothing could ever prepare them for the "betrayal" of the split. --it's happened to me many times.....

I look back at my past and it used to scare me......but im telling ya that God is a God of second chances. My past does not and will not predict my future. I'm tired of loving folks in vain....i'm tired of ppl loving me in vain. The only ppl i want in my life are the people that are SUPPOSED to be there... ..where there's a mutual connection, a mutual bond, mutal respect....and mutal love.....

My past will have me to believe that i don't deserve that, that i've hurt too many ppl, and too many ppl have hurt me.....but just as i had to forgive those who hurt me, i pray that  the ones i hurt will do the same, cuz HE has already forgiven us all.

Im ready for my second chance, im ready to really experience life and not feel "stuck" im ready to leave my past where it is and embrace my future. I'm ready, because i forgive you....and i forgive myself

I forgot how janky it can be when u write a longggggggg blog, when u got to post, it acts like u havent written a thing!

Anyway, big changes since i began this blog. I no longer associate with any of the people previously mentioned. Thats right, no twyon, judy, dakota, Tyrus, or any of the extras, mike 1, mike 2, brandon, antione, tre',...crystal..crista..kory,,..none!

why?

I have always loved Jesus, but something had always held me back from hearing God and knowing his will for my life. That something was me...its always been me, ive always been blinded to it, even though i always knew he was there. I had many dark spirits over and influencing me. Sure i didnt steal, kill, have sex or curse...but i was bound up by other things. Since i haven't been hanging out.....i've been able to think clearly and be intuned to God's spirit. Therefor, all the things that aren't for me, i let them go....all the ppl that i'm not good for or that aren't good for me i let them go. It was soooo hard, but i trusted God. I'm still trusting him because i know he will give me the ppl and things i need. I want God ordained friendships and God ordained romance. I want him to be the center of everything i do. And my life previous to now..he was nowhere in my daily activities...no where.

I used to be a very venegful person, if u hurt me i'll do whatever to hurt u back. But mine was like a silent kind of revenge...u'd never see it ocming.

Now...(as hard as it still can be) when someone hurts me, i mean like really hurts me the way dakota, kory, or tyrus did...all i do is just let it go....i let them go,. ...i dun try to get back at them, i dun try to make them feel wha they made me feel...i literally jus step away from the situation. I'm so used to sticking around, endulging in the hardships life threw at them....and with tyrus...walking away was hard, i feel like i went out like a punk. But i decided to let God handle it, cuz after  dakota broke up with me, then my dad died, then kory played me for my good friend, by the time tyrus hurt me i was completely broken. I thought my life would always be a vicious cycle ot heart break.  I had no will left to  do anything.  I was completely broken. I never healed from any of it..i just always replaced one with another....so i was carrying all that hurt, all that pain on my back ...everyday....i tried to replace all that with other ppl...new ppl...i met more guys, and in the friend department i kept it small with judy and twyon who it almost pained me to hang out or talk to,. ...my mother and i werent close, david was awayy at school, al married and moved out....although i hated being around them for dirr reasons i felt tha twyon an djudy were all i had...i HAD to keep them around.I wasn't doing anything wiht my life, sitting around on the computer allllllllll day, going out with meaningless guys, working a worthless job with no benefits, ignoring my health.....i was MISERABLE..totally depressed........i was either going to die....or somehow break free. I didnt have the strength or courage to kill myself...i was too proud to do that anyway. I wanted them all to hurt the way i was hurting, i was totally bound by anger and pain...i was out for blood. But everytime i set out to hurt one of them, i'd end up in more pain.

In church one day i nearly collasped in my moms arms. I was crying so badly, I dun know if it were that day or the following sunday, but i went to the altar and came humbly before him. I cried  into his arms and rest my head upon his chest. It literally felt like everyone else had left and it was just me and God in the room. I felt like i was glowing, and i could literally feel his prescene all over me, all around me. I went and got prayer from one of the couselors, ms. linda( ill never forget her) i told her i wanted to be closer to god but was distracted by wanting a husband and wanting to be loved. She prayed for me, a rather simple prayer.....but i swear to u..it changed my life. Sense then.....i've began to put God first in my life in all areas...and well thas how i got to where i am now. The void id been searching for my whole life  has finally been filled...and its so ironic because i used to  surround myself with others to fill it, but it took completing being on my own to get there. I'm so at peace now.....im finally happy with no friends and no man......i never thought this could happen to me.

Its not just with friends and men......im a go getter now, i have drive and direction in life...i pay my pills and im on my way to actually hving good credit. I  havent been on a date since i dont know when, and i havent had a kiss since my 24th birthday. Im working , getting there 15 mins early to a 7:30 AM job, with benefits, and working as a board member to a pretigious community center . Im an active member of my church...and becoming a prayer warrior.

God has promised tha 2007 is my year of increase in all areas o fmy life. I stand oin that word, believe it and trust it. I love life, and im finally not just alive, but living!

ms.cole now thatz REAL TALK and if i really didnt think u had that kinda rage in u but i see it now u just az crazy az me.. Hey- letz go on a punchin spree and punch err body dat walk pass. sorry if i played any part in yo discomforting start at the job. but was it me when u was talkin bout she stayed unda a co- workaz butt, cuz if so we can write a book cuz now i feel like a person somebody look up to like a role model... Yeah ima role model lacy, yeah baby, p.s dont think that u were the new fat gurl at the job u a cool person regardless of size u have a good personality and a big heart thatz wat really count.. Now peace and a bottle of hair grease!!! peace love and soul.. 

Posted by LIL' CRAZY on October 19, 2006

lol nah nah ..thats jus how i felt when i started , just noting the changes i've gone through since then.. but i feel much , much better or else..TRUST i woulda left like i was gonna do =) and yes a punching, slapping, kicking...all while taping it  spree sounds good  =) ..kidding lol

Posted by ~Allow me to re-introduce myself~ on October 19, 2006 - Thursday at 10:03 PM

U B WRITIN SUM STRAIGHT HEART TO HEART BLOGZ AND DATZ GOOD WHEN U GET YO FEELINS OUT CUZ ITZ NOT GOOD TO KEEP ALL THAT ANGER BODDLED UP INSIDE U CUZ THAT WILL MAKE U SNAP OUT AND GO CRAZY BUT I FEEL U.. KEEP YHA BLOGZ COMIN... ITZ FUNNY THAT WE THINK ALIKE SOMETIMES..

Posted by LIL' CRAZY on October 22, 2006 - Sunday at 11:52 AM

AWWWWWWWWWW LACY u must have known i was gonna read the blog with my nosey self lol But girl i appreciate your honesty recently i had 2 let go of a couple of people cuz i saw myself being there and helping them and i wasant taking care of my self I would give them money cuz they was broke (knowing damn well i was 2 broke lol) and then when i gave them money i found myself broke and none of them were there 2 lend me a hand ya feel me so thanks big sis I LOVE YOU :-)

Phyllicia Aka Songstress

My response:

lol yeah i knew ur nosey self would read it lol kidding, ooh i like tha tag "legend in training"  anyway, yeah girl sometimes it's better to love our friends from a distance.I'm glad u appreciate it girl, its so hard being "real with urself" but thas another story in itself , alright i need to go to bed gotta be up at 6, love u too girly,

God Bless~

(HIGHLIGHT THE ENTIRE THING  FOR EASIER READING)

Here's the thing, i used to be a social butterfuly who had a whole slew of ppl i kicked it with, .I had no real social standards, i kicked it with ANYONE who seemed fun. I didn't do all the things they did, but i was truly down for whatever( no sex or crazy ish like that) i just ALWAYS had to be out . I was also a date-a holic , if u approached me for my # u probably got it! I was always looking for "love" or..someone to occupy my time and keep me from being bored..i had it bad, i  went on so many dates that even i couldnt keep up. I dated guys who i knew like me even loved me and i had no interest in them at all--but at least it got me out the house.At least it kept me from being alone on V-day. At least it kept everyone thinking i was happy...well   Circumstances change my entire outlook on life, the ppl i was around were bad for me ( and i was bad for some ppl) and ultimately i ended up with 2 constant friends, one girl, & one guy ...who i needed to break away from as well !

THE FEMALE was truly always there for me, would have willingly done ANYTHING, and  given her last, all i had to do was basically give her my soul. Sound strange..it is. She was super possesive of me, very jealous, and obsessivly dependant on me for her joy. I felt bad for her....in my mind i thought i could "help" her, but i was only becoming a huge crutch for her. She was very negative and seemed to hate life. She was very anti-social and  brought out the worst in people. Ultimatley i thought i could change her, but she was the one who began to change me. I went from a fun loving girl, to bitter and always "down" ....i used to hit the mall, hit the club, go play cards... but with this girl all we ever did was go out to eat cuz she hated being around people.  It was hard for me to break away for her...only cuz i knew it would hurt her tremendously( she pulled that suicide card the first time i tried..) AND i knew that only leave me with one person who is a constant source of companionship..BUT i did it, it's been about 2 months and my life was instantly more peaceful .

THE GUY -a guy deeply in love who'd also do anything for me. Unfortunaly i never had any romantic interest in him so i should i set him free a long time ago, but he was always my last resort guy cuz with him at least i knew he loved me. He wasnt a dog in the sense of cheating and lying but an ass in the way he spoke to me. He was very arrogant and cocky and had this "air" about him. I put up with his degrading ways for over 3 years just cuz i was weak minded and felt i "needed" him.

EXAMPLES.. jus recently: I got a new high tech phone - instad of congradulating, he said:" why would u get a phone like that? U don't know how to work it and u dun even have a need for anything like that?" His tone is always very matter of factly and superior. ** I recently became a member of the board of directors for a very prestigious facility and his first reaction was: " why would they pick u? I 'm just saying, what qualifies u for something  like that?" He quickly apologized for sounding like a "cynic"...but the damage was already done)

He also bagn dissing the one thing that has given me strength and courage to change my life....my faith and moral beliefs! (dissing someone else who shares my beliefs is essentially dissing me)

I'm free - now  no one can hold me  back but me!

I watched the video of my fathers funeral today, and of course it was sad, but it put a lot of things into prospective for me. At the end my pastor gave my brothers and i and personalized message : and mine was like warning me about my charm, AND the people i hang around. Watch ur friends, and watch the man the devils sends. OUCH! Well everything Bishop said was right on the mark, unfortunantely, i had to learn it all the hard way.

Shall i name names? Nah lol ..but i cried over ruined friendships the majority of 2006. . In the beginning of 06 my life was filled with so much lonelyness, i cried so much because i "lost all my friends" but they weren't my friends in the first place.  Instead of crying i now rejoice, they were burndens to my life and i am much better off without them, all of them .

I had the biggest heartbreak of my life this year. I spent a lot of time crying over that too. I have loved only two men in my life and they both broke my heart. For awhile it crushed my spirits, i felt betrayed by love and even worse afraid that love was my enemy and i began to curse love. But now, i embrace it. I've learned so much from both experiences, im a much better person because of everything i went through this year.

I began a total transformation at the end of 06 , I'm very excited to begin 2007. It will be a tough battle, but i'm very determined to reach the level of prosperity God has ordained for my life.

To all the people who hurt me in 06, i forgive you, i love you, and  wish the best for ur lives~

November 30, 2006 - Thursday

9:42 PM - Open and closed doors Open and Closed Doors Body: I got this from Man of God's bulletin Opened and Closed Doors Body: We need to learn to thank the Lord for closed doors just as much for opened doors. The reason God closes doors is because He has not prepared anything over there for us. If he didn't close the wrong door we would never find our way to the right door. Even when we don't realize it, God directs our paths through the closing and opening of doors. When one door closes, it forces us to change our course. Another door closes; it forces us to change our course yet again. Then finally, we find the open door and walk right into our blessing. If you get terminated from your job-don't be down, instead thank God for the new opportunities that will manifest themselves. If you love God share this and he will continue to open and close doors for you. You never know who might need to hear this.

December 18, 2006 - Monday

7:09 PM - my bad habbits - Current mood: busy It is so hard to "become a new person"  but i've rappidly been changing befor emy own eyes.One of my goals was to become more responsible.... I can't list all my bad habbits lol , but the main ones that im so proud of changing are: BEFORE: Going to sleep at like 1 and 2 am  knowing i have to be at work by 7:45 NOW: in bed no later than ten BEFORE  Waking up with like 10 minutes to get ready for work( shower, throw clothes on, leave) NOW  Waking up in enough time to  make up bed, get ready, warm the car up, even grab something to eat if i want, BEFORE eating lunch with the kids, grabbing fAST FOOD on my break, and something fast food again or order a pizza  when i get off NOW eating lunch with the kids, cooking when i get home BEFORE not even opening my bills  so u know i wasn't paying them NOW Paying my bills BEFORE the due date ( no more annoying  phone callz ) BEFORE  no real direction in life NOW a written plan and goal list ( which i read daily and things have begun to fall in place) last but not least BEFORE  very basic relationship with God NOW he's my best friend, my rock! To which n one of the previous things mentioned would be possible COMMENTS: Im so proud of you, you go girl and do the responsible thang now i just hope i can do what you doing I WANNA BE LIKE YOU WHEN I GROW UP :-)