october 20. my how quickly the days seems to come and go. blew off class again last nite. 2 weeks in a row now. no use in trying cause i know my head's not into it. last night... hmmm.. watched "lost". unless u started watching the series when it got started it's kinda confusing for us newbies. i mean peeps chasing other peeps, and they're all supposed to be plane crash survivors? i just don't get it. honestly... the only reason i started to watch is is that they have a korean couple on the show and last nite's episode dealt a little bit about their story. pretty strange hearing lots of korean on prime time tv. watched csi: new york afterwards. the previews looked kinda ineresting. a dude getting his head chopped off, ninja style fighting with cue sticks. pretty ineresting concept. popped a sleeping pill and just waited for it to work. 1:00 AM i was still awake. this insomnia is really killing me.

 halloween is just around the corner. in happier times it would've been one of my fav nites. i mean all the party that happens. gosh... this year i have no idea wut i'm gonna be doing. would've love to dress up and go to a party. gonna be lots going on at the clubs so really should make an attempt to go out on that nite. i hate being alone on a major party nite. bleh~.

 i think i need to get a control pad for my ps2. man... playing virtua fighter 4 every nite is wearing out my old control pad. i feel sorry for the apartments around me. i have my speakers cranked up so i can have the true virtua fighter experience. lolz. gonna hafta learn how to turn it down earlier... i don't think my neighbors appreciate 200 watts of punching, kicking,screaming, and grunting til 1:00AM.

 keep on fighting with myself about getting roadrunner or not. so damn lonely that even chat is better than nothing. i dunno... always backing out at the last minute. what do u think? almost broke down and called "her" up last nite. damn i hate being so weak. i mean my mind is driving me crazy. i have no appetite, can't study, don't even wanna lift weights anymore. i told myself i was gonna go shoot some hoops last nite, but made up a lame excuse to talk myself out of it. same with lifting weights. i think about doing it but then tell myself that i'm really too tired and that if i work out so late, i won't be able to sleep.

 alexandra, i know i shouldn't let it bother me but somehow it does. i always thought of u as being a saint. i mean i really put u up there on a pedestal. i mean its ok what u did cause i did the same thing. i hate being such a hypocrite. i'm such a total ass. i know that ur getting older and your wondering am i worth the time for u to try again with us. especially after how our past encounters  turned out. i love so much about u. the only thing i don't like is your dependency on the tranquilizers. hey but u don't like my smoking. i will gladly trade the cigs for u not using the tranquilizers. i wanna be with u with a clear head. i spent most of the nite wondering what it would be like if we were to get back together again. you'll probably be teaching english or japanese somehow. i don't know if you'll be a translator or working in some private school. i'll be settled down by then also. i wonder how i will look. you're quite conservative and i'm always such a "lostboy". it seems that i'm always stuck in my youth. holidays will be spent travelling back and forth from the states to spending time with your family in hungary. i even had a dream of building a home in the woods. similar to yours in almadi. of course it has to be close to a river, lake, or other body of water. fresh air. nature. what we both love. dinners will alternate between hungarian and asian. i even imagined me finally getting dual citizenship also. lolz... it'd be a miracle if i can finally speak hungarian. our child. hmmm.... a girl. i don't know why but i always think our first will be a girl. she'll have curly blondish locks with asian eyes. she'll play piano and take gymnastics. i want her to be educated in hungary. perhaps one day i will be able to pursuade u to put aside your hatred and travel to transylvania with me. it really is such a beautiful country. think of it as visiting your countrymen in your old land.

 i told u once that i couldn't think of our future nor imagine wut it would be like. well what i have written is a little part of it. i can imagine it being so real that i can almost reach out and touch it. if only you were here so that we can start living it.

 have a wonderful day, world. everyone should always have a dream.