i should've gone out last last nite. even though i partied too hard friday nite i still should've done something last nite. forealz, trying to go through life as if nothing ever happened can be so damn hard and tiring. i mean i try to put up a front but deep down i'm all torn up inside. last tuesday i had given up my stash to one of mah homeboyz. i'm laying off all that BS. you know they say it stays in ur system for like 60 days and with my lease ending in 3 months i wanna make sure i'm clean for my next blood test, where ever it may be. makes me kinda regret it now but i gotta be strong and try and fight it using only my will and determination. i've got no plans at all today. its like football doesnt even inspire me. its a pity when my only joy in life can even seem so unfulfilling. went to korean house restaurant again yesterday. everything tasted so flat. bleh. i know its probably all just psychological. but who knows? maybe the sleeping pillz and booze overdose has killed my taste buds and enthusiasm. iono... maybe i need to go see a doctor and he can prescribe something for me. i know i'm suffering from depression. lack of sleep and appetite. feelings of being self withdrawn. damn... always thought my mind was strong enuff to handle anything. i guess maybe when u've been holding it in for so long it kinda creeps in and becomes a part of you. frankie's cool. even though he's still trying to get over his breakup with his ex. he's trying to help me but when u have to deal with ur own shiet its kinda hard to help someone else out. i hate that damn apartment. i'm kinda glad i don't have internet there cause it gives me a good excuse to stay out of that damn thing. i was hoping that school was gonna help me but forealz i cant concentrate. when i'm forced to sit down and study, my mind goes to something else instead of school. i wish i can be like other dudes and just jump in the sack with any willing babes but i gotta be a stoopid-ass and actually kare about someone, and love them.

 i need to start planning. still wanna head to the west coast but in january its gonna be snowing in oregon/washington state. cali's got so much bad memories for me. i mean thats one place i knoe where i'm gonna get in trouble if i go. u gotta have the right clothes, have a tight car, and hang out with the right crowd to make it there. san fran always appealed to me. but its so damn expensive to live there. damn... i'm running out of time. life's so short.

 been thinking alot about just living abroad. so damn hard to make it at the place where i really wanna go. i'm pretty confident in my abilities tho. i mean being a quality inspector really intimidated me at first. i mean i really suck with numbers and measurements. 1/4, 5/8, 7/16, flange head cap screws, socket head cap screws, button head cap screws, captive screw, rockwell hardness, optical comparator, 82° head angle. 72° head angle, 90° head angle, radius, torsional strength, silver plated, nickel plated, black phosphorous, titanium, dicromax. type AB, type T. damn.... i thought i'd never figured all that shiet out. its amazing how quickly i can adapt. also like the damn car, every body shop told me it was totalled and wouldn't be worth to get repaired. well **** all of them cause its almost ready for the road. i just need to get a radiator and the front body parts and pretty soon i'll be rolling again.

 gosh... all this typing is actually making me feel better. having this blog has been a really good idea. i've been doing a decent job of keeping up with it too. sorry for all of yall reading this if its boring you. but this blog's for me and not you. j/p.

 i hate weekends... gives me wayyyyy too much free time. i need to go shopping. new clothes outta make me feel better. damn i'm like a chick. lolz. well my tummie's growling so i'm gonna grab me some lunch. i feel like having a big-ass omelette supreme. yummie. have a good day... laterz

 ooops... had a dream last nite. better write it down lest i forget later. in my dream....

ran into my ex online. for some reason she was stalking me. damn i'm always stuck with the stalkers! lolz. anyhoo... no matter where i went online she was  stalking me and telling shiet to everyone i was talking to. weird of me to be having dreams of stuff like that happening. the details are kinda sketchy but i just woke up with a feeling of pity. i mean why do peeps have to be so hateful? maybe it was just me. i was online last nite. ran into an old chat homeboy i hadn't talked to like 2 years. funny how he still remembered me. oh wellz... it was aite cause i actually got to talk to a few peeps... even if it was only for awhile. maybe i was having like an anxiety attack about the whole chat thing that spilled into my dreams? wow... i'm turning into a shrink... always trying to self analyze everything. mental note: check out some self help books from the library. NOT!!!. puahahaha. such a loser.

 gotta buy some more weights. those 20lbs  dumbells getting a little light for me. tried out some 30lb'ers at walmart that felt right. asked frankie if he wanted my 20lb'ers but he says they're too heavy for him. i gotta get him more motivated. i started off with 15 lb'ers earlier and am gonna move to 30lb'ers. he's still having a hard time with the 18lb'ers i made at work. fawking edward had lost 25 lbs and started to lift weights. i mean he's like 5 inches taller and 35 lbs heavier than me and he's doing 20lb'ers. i'm in alot better condition than he is but just makes me feel bad that he bought some 30lb'ers. at least he can barely do 10 pushups. i'm up to 30 pushups at a stretch. been trying to do at least 100 pushups a day.

 enough of this chatter. gotta run. laterz.. again.